Song of the day: “I come undone” by Robbie Williams, and, “I would stay” by Krezip, and “Bad day” by Daniel Powter. Yep, there were plenty of songs ghosting through my head for the past couple of days, but these are the only ones that I can actually remember. Guess I’m being a tad flighty at the moment.
Today is grocery-shopping day (yes I’m thrilled…NOT) so it’s going to be busy, without anything to show for it at the end of the day…except of course full cabinets and a fridge with actual food in it. Right now, after little sister cleaned it, it looks a little like one of those show models in the store with absolutely nothing in it. The one eggplant, leek and chunk of cheese, really don’t make for much fill. Hah.
I, of course totally freaked out this morning when I discovered that the coffee grind supply hadn’t lasted through two weeks, which means that I have to make due without my actual boost of leaded fuel this morning. It ain’t pretty, I tell you. I need at least two big mugs to get my engine started, and I’m not there yet. Frugalness only goes as far as the cigarettes at the moment, thank you very much. I’m keeping my dependency of caffeine for the time being, and what with already having saved 20 bucks on a week of not smoking, I’m thinking I’m doing an excellent job of it. Hah
Enough of that, let’s get on with the sum up of the past couple of days: Sleeping has been a bit of a trying experience still, for some peculiar reason. This night wasn’t too bad, but the one before it (I was exhausted and fell asleep while working on my computer even) I hardly slept a wink. I could get annoyed by it, seeing as I don’t appreciate feeling tired, but the way I figure, if the ol’ bod wants to throw up a fuss and suffer sleep deprivation (apparently it’s not all that bad, if it were I’d sleep) well, “have at it”. I’ll live my life and the bod can either get with it, or drop dead…in a manner of speaking…sorta. Hah.
I’ve found that having a rather stern attitude towards my body’s complaints is becoming to be effective. I mean, in the past, like from age thirteen ‘till twenty-seven I was getting only sicker, in body and mind alike. I had severe back problems, joint pains, health issues like six months of the year, bronchitis, laryngitis, diarrhea, vomiting and then getting more overweight with every passing year while popping handfuls of pills by the day.
So, two years ago I think it was, I got fed up with it all. I had a serious conversation with myself (had a mental sit-down, if you will) and decided that either this vessel, I like to call my body, was going to “cowboy the fuck up” or proof to me that things were really so bad I could drop dead at any moment. I weaned myself off medications, which the whiny part of my brain insisted I needed. I started eating for real, meaning I ate when I was hungry and ate well from all the basic food groups, and doing the things I had been dreaming of doing for the past decade or two when aches all over kept me sitting on my butt.
Gawd, it was tough, scary as all hell (got through the first year on the mantra “I don’t care about things I cannot change” with the footnote, “everything is changeable”) and a seemingly slow progress while going through it, but things are definitely looking up now. It is amazing how much the body trick you by being whiny. Most of the time (within reason of course) when my body tells me, this is too much, rest for God’s sake, it doesn’t know what the heck it’s talking about. Seriously, take lifting rocks for instance. I started with normal sized ones, forty pounds at most, but then, slowly, steadily, I would start looking at the bigger ones, and just tried…nine times I could lift those that annoying part of my brain said I couldn’t lift without pulling out my “weak” back once. The funny thing is, even the rocks I tried to lift and couldn’t just because they were too big…this is really funny. I would try, and then when I didn’t manage it, I would shake my head, pick up a smaller one and bring that away. After a few more rocks, before I managed to think about it, worry about the weight of it, I’d go back to that big rock, and lift it after all with very little extra effort. How’s that for the body acting weird? It’s screaming at me that I can’t do something (I swear, if I listened to it, I’d be on my deathbed now) when every time it turns out that I can. What’s up with that? Why has the body become so friggin’ whiny? What does it gain from it? It is almost as if I am fighting a constant battle with the enemy: “my body” because it would much rather be sick and tired in a chair, vegetating in front of the TV.
And it’s not just me, the same is happening with the sibs, who were afflicted with similar health problems for years. Heck, even little brother’s asthma is becoming a thing of the past. In the past when he got in dusty areas he’d be hacking like a donkey and turn all pale, yet now he is just working in it, cleaning it, with barely any problems whatsoever.
Gawd, if I think of how much we spent on medications in the past, painkillers, valium, flu meds, and about every nutritional supplement you can think of…why, the mere thought gives me a nightmarish feel.
I’m still not where I wanna be, (at the moment I am testing the theory of: the sky’s the limit, I’ll let you know if I ever reach it, hah) but the quality of life has definitely improved vastly.
There is eighty pounds less of me to haul around, which is a rather pleasant side effect (I actually climbed a tree the other day without hardly any effort whatsoever). I jog up the mountain these days, which means that stuff gets done faster…and lots gets done. Boy does it ever. There are days now when I stand on the new terrace under my cabin and look around, I barely recognize the place. So much has changed in just a couple of years. ‘Tis truly amazing.
I guess that fear, such as the conviction that you’re going to die the way I did, is a good thing. Taking that risk, and I mean, really take it; go for life with a full 110 percent of effort thrown into it, no matter what, is a good thing. It takes effort, and you have to push that fear brutally aside lest it immobilizes you, but I’m noticing it in every little I thing I do. Now, when I think I am unable to do something (thus feel tempted to just not try) I ask myself, and I mean literally ask: “How do you know? How do you know you can’t if you don’t try?”
Which can of course lead to entire debates with myself. *sigh*
Me: “Why don’t just try this?”
Whiny: “Because when you tried the last time, you failed. And doesn’t that feel horrible enough?”
Me: “Just because I didn’t manage it the last time, doesn’t mean I can’t do it now. And not trying it, won’t make me feel any better? This way I have a chance, at least.”
Whiny: “But it’s so much effort.”
Me: “It isn’t. If I don’t take time for stuff, I’ll have it.”
Whiny: “But sitting down and watching a nice movie is much nicer?”
Me: “Is it? Watching an adventurous life on a screen or living it? Tough choice that.”
Whiny: “But you’ll get tired and achy.”
Me: “I got tired and achy when I sat in a chair all day too. Heck, back then I was on five to six painkillers a day and I didn’t DO anything.”
Whiny: “But it isn’t fun.”
Me: “What isn’t?”
Whiny: “Mopping floors, doing laundry, cleaning up dogs crap, everything.”
Me: “Why not? That is life, isn’t it? And I can enjoy every aspect of it, if I decide to. That’s my decision, that’s my choice, and I will bloody well make it!”
Whiny: “But why? It’s easier to relax. Just rest a bit. Stop fighting me.”
Me: “But I’m not tired, and I am not fighting you. You relax, we’ll stop arguing now. I won’t do it. We’ll just sit on our butts all day, just wait and see.”
Which results in me taking my time getting to wherever I want to go and then doing it anyway before Whiny can have a say. Hah. Yes, one has to be sneaky when one deals with the monster within. Usually it isn’t worth the battle, really, so I don’t fight it. I let it go and then sneak right past the moment Whiny thinks it has won. Much easier that way, really. Before Whiny figures it out, it’ll be over and done with. Hahaha.
Talk about MPD, huh? But I’m serious, ya gotta try this sometimes when something inside you is throwing up a fuss without good ‘cause (and believe me, it can be tricky in coming up with all sorts of “valid” reasons why NOT to do something). Just take that risk of sacrificing five minutes to something that needs to be done, but you just “don’t feel like”. You might actually end up surprised.
Sometimes I think that our “safe” little world, all the safety nets that are there to catch us when we fall, the support, the comforts, and all those luxuries that we so easily take for granted in joy and misery alike, will be the death of us yet.
Taking some risks, saying yes to something that scares the hell out of you, or which that whiny part of yourself protests to, is a good thing. Think when you do something, don’t just do it by rote, whether it is a boring task, or something you really enjoy. If you don’t decide to make the effort to find pleasure in it, you’re guaranteed the result of utter crappiness. It is a valuable lesson I’ve learned.
But enough maudlin, didn’t mean to bore you there with thoughts that have been tumbling through my brain for way too long. Hah. Let’s get back to the sum up, eh?
So yeah, our tenant’s exercises are going well; her use of the cane is getting to be skilled now, and her footing is much firmer. We actually heard that back in the day, when she was still in the hospital, her doctors said that it was unlikely that she would recover (ever) from such a massive stroke. Well, she proved them wrong, didn’t she? Sure, she has her down days, don’t we all, but on the overall she is really making an effort in taking life by the horns and enjoy every second it.
My shelves are done, yay. They look beautiful, and I will post pics soon. I’m not entire sure yet, but I think all the books actually fit…I’ll have to start the statue casings that I intend to put up on the other wall, maybe add another shelve or two for books yet, but I think it will look even better by then.
I also exchanged my wooden couch with the spring love seat from our office, seeing as it is a bit smaller and will allow for space, and it looks nice. I might have to refurbish it at some point…the dogs make a mess of upholstery, of course…but I like the new look.
Of course everything is covered in blood, because Knight II is still slamming his tail to pieces. I'm serious, I recently spent three hours cleaning surfaces from splatter, and already he's "spreadin' the wealth" again. He's such and idiot; he doesn't even seem to realize that he's literally smashing the bone against the wall when he gets excited. I'd have his tail removed to save him the agony, but it seems so extreme and action. He should quiet down a little when he gets older. (I hope!)
Big brother is finally starting to think of fixing up his room too. Up until now he has been nurturing the attitude of: I need a bed for sleeping and a trunk to throw my clothes in, but other than that I’m all set. Stop bugging me about it. *chortle*
I’ll get him converted yet. That room of his gives me the jeebies every time I look past it. Wow what a mess. But there are plans for closet space now, maybe a new floor at some point, which is really starting to be necessary at this point.
And…yikes. I just yapped on for four pages, and I still have to get to my friggin messages, darn it! Okay, I’ll wrap this up then.
Writing is still going, brought the manuscript up to the full half, yay, meaning that I wrote a hundred pages in the past two and half weeks. Not bad, not bad at all what with only the few hours a day available for writing.
Well, gotta go. Need to write some letters and then prepare to go out for groceries. I’m thrilled, I tell ya. Thrilled!
Hahaha.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
5 days and counting...Nah!
Song of the day: “Big Yellow Taxi” by the Counting Crows (and Vanessa Carlton) and I woke up with it like three times during the night. It was insane, I tell ya. “Don’t it always seem to go…yadayadayada” over and over again. Bonkers! It kept me awake, I tell ya. (My head, in case that wasn’t clear.) Here I’d gone to bed about half an hour early to catch up on the seven hours I missed during the course of the week (the same happened ‘bout three days ago) and I keep waking up. Makes me wanna swear a blue streak, I tell ya.
Gotta keep it short again, ‘cause it’s before noon yet, and I’m running behind already. Big brother is out with the car for its yearly check-up that we got picked for to do again after six months for some reason, aaargh.
Writing is still going well, yay. Got the pages up to 150 now, so that makes it almost half the book, hah. The characters are developing well, the first two villains got slaughtered just last night in an impressive show of supernatural strength, and romance…*clears throat*…well, that’s personal. Hah.
But seriously, yesterday was friggin’ cold again. It started off well enough with a wonderful (sarcasm, ‘tis my only resort) rainy day, and then when the clouds dispersed a little around dusk…we were working in the carport, of course…the cold suddenly slapped us in the face (both sides, hah) with a reminder; “It’s winter! Start whining!” I did, vocally, I assure you.
As to why we were working in the carport? I know, you’re just bursting at the seams to know…wait for it…I was making BOOKSHELVES (very deflating, I know. So sorry). Got two beautiful wooden bookcases done, they got painted in the afternoon, and one of two narrow ones about halfway through. With a little luck, I’ll be able to put them in my cabin before the end of the week, and if now…well, it’ll be the week after that. *eyeroll* What did you expect? The world doesn’t end if a project doesn’t get done on time…or does it? Lemme check…nope, still there and at least fifteen projects didn’t get finished in the past few years. Hah.
Nope, I’ve found that haste doesn’t make a project any more fun, so I’m just taking my time, making it all pretty, and then, when there’s a free extra minutes I’ll put them right in. What fun would it be if stuff got done with the snap of one’s fingers, huh? It would be so friggin’ boring. It’s like buying stuff. Having something pretty and expensive is all nice and fine, but what has one gained from just standing in front of a bought object except that money was spent for it.
I’ve been discovering this more and more these past few years. Building/fixing it, however frustrating, exhausting and time consuming it might be, beats buying something by a mile. You’ll end up looking at said object, and remember every single thing you did with it. Sure, it won’t be as perfect as store bought (it doesn’t have to be either) and that crooked screw here, and the slightly lopsided shelve there…well, you’ll do better next time, hah. The imperfections make a project fun in the end.
The new load of dog food arrived yesterday, which mean hauling down 21 bags of 44 pounds or so down the mountain, towards the stockpiles under the carport roof. Luckily, unlike last week when I did most of them myself, big brother had hauled most of them down already, so all I had to do was toss them into their storage niche, hah.
Both sisters helped me construct the majority of the shelving, by the way. Sure, I could do it on my own, but that way they wouldn’t learn, solo goes a tad slower and working together is always more fun. Can’t beat that.
The washing machine is doing splendidly, so that was certainly a wonderful premature birthday present, hah. Gawd, only five more days and then it’s my friggin’ birthday…ah, the memories. Oops, better be careful, I might actually start maudlin. *snorts* (rather inelegantly, I might add.)
Well, time to get to work; the sun is out, so I might take our tenant outside for her exercises today. The other day she actually lifted her bad arm, which was a definite first. Yay.
As to the not smoking…I haven’t, and it’s still not hard, just annoying. Ah well, not all of us are destined to fight epic battles I suppose, *sigh*…I’m sorry, I can’t even write that with a straight face. Better quit before I start saying really stupid things.
Gotta keep it short again, ‘cause it’s before noon yet, and I’m running behind already. Big brother is out with the car for its yearly check-up that we got picked for to do again after six months for some reason, aaargh.
Writing is still going well, yay. Got the pages up to 150 now, so that makes it almost half the book, hah. The characters are developing well, the first two villains got slaughtered just last night in an impressive show of supernatural strength, and romance…*clears throat*…well, that’s personal. Hah.
But seriously, yesterday was friggin’ cold again. It started off well enough with a wonderful (sarcasm, ‘tis my only resort) rainy day, and then when the clouds dispersed a little around dusk…we were working in the carport, of course…the cold suddenly slapped us in the face (both sides, hah) with a reminder; “It’s winter! Start whining!” I did, vocally, I assure you.
As to why we were working in the carport? I know, you’re just bursting at the seams to know…wait for it…I was making BOOKSHELVES (very deflating, I know. So sorry). Got two beautiful wooden bookcases done, they got painted in the afternoon, and one of two narrow ones about halfway through. With a little luck, I’ll be able to put them in my cabin before the end of the week, and if now…well, it’ll be the week after that. *eyeroll* What did you expect? The world doesn’t end if a project doesn’t get done on time…or does it? Lemme check…nope, still there and at least fifteen projects didn’t get finished in the past few years. Hah.
Nope, I’ve found that haste doesn’t make a project any more fun, so I’m just taking my time, making it all pretty, and then, when there’s a free extra minutes I’ll put them right in. What fun would it be if stuff got done with the snap of one’s fingers, huh? It would be so friggin’ boring. It’s like buying stuff. Having something pretty and expensive is all nice and fine, but what has one gained from just standing in front of a bought object except that money was spent for it.
I’ve been discovering this more and more these past few years. Building/fixing it, however frustrating, exhausting and time consuming it might be, beats buying something by a mile. You’ll end up looking at said object, and remember every single thing you did with it. Sure, it won’t be as perfect as store bought (it doesn’t have to be either) and that crooked screw here, and the slightly lopsided shelve there…well, you’ll do better next time, hah. The imperfections make a project fun in the end.
The new load of dog food arrived yesterday, which mean hauling down 21 bags of 44 pounds or so down the mountain, towards the stockpiles under the carport roof. Luckily, unlike last week when I did most of them myself, big brother had hauled most of them down already, so all I had to do was toss them into their storage niche, hah.
Both sisters helped me construct the majority of the shelving, by the way. Sure, I could do it on my own, but that way they wouldn’t learn, solo goes a tad slower and working together is always more fun. Can’t beat that.
The washing machine is doing splendidly, so that was certainly a wonderful premature birthday present, hah. Gawd, only five more days and then it’s my friggin’ birthday…ah, the memories. Oops, better be careful, I might actually start maudlin. *snorts* (rather inelegantly, I might add.)
Well, time to get to work; the sun is out, so I might take our tenant outside for her exercises today. The other day she actually lifted her bad arm, which was a definite first. Yay.
As to the not smoking…I haven’t, and it’s still not hard, just annoying. Ah well, not all of us are destined to fight epic battles I suppose, *sigh*…I’m sorry, I can’t even write that with a straight face. Better quit before I start saying really stupid things.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Screwed up. :-/
Song of the day: “This is it” by Michael Jackson. I like the song, but I gotta put a big question mark behind it in reference to the annoying little thing called “quit smoking”. I have to admit that I am vastly disappointed by the entire thing. I mean, seriously, I’ve been hearing horror stories of how hard it is to quit, the shivers, the desperation, the resulting binges, falling off the wagon and the absolute need for one last cigarette, if I were to believe the tales, I’d be crawling the walls ‘round day two…or so I’d thought.
I was literally prepared for the worst, hoping for some dramatic story I could write here on the blog. For instance: Me, curled up in the corner of the shower, valiantly battling against temptation, crying miserably but holding on by showing grit. Me, fighting the almost insurmountable desire to lick out the dirty ashtray when I’m incapable of finding an almost burned down bud: or me, getting in snippy debates with the sibs while they try to convince me that I gotta keep my promise to myself no matter what the cost. Everything would be better than now just complaining about the complete lack of any such thing.
Honestly, what kind of epic battle is there to describe when the worst of it felt like seeing a large bag of potato chips lying on the table and not being allowed to take any of the paprika, while the classics are free for grabs. Come to think of it, that might actually be worse…or not? Hmmm. I don’t know…maybe. Hah.
I have to admit that I feel a tad slighted on the entire thing. I would have liked to be able to tell dramatic tales of conquering this so-called HUGE addiction. Like, “I had to fight it so hard that at one point I actually passed out”…but no, the worst of it was, being a little light-headed in the twentieth hour, a little bored with my hands during the course of the given day, and a little flighty in the brain on the overall…got that more often, also when I smoked, so, nothing new there, hah. Had and extra glass of cola, two coffee and a chocolate cookie extra (gasps in mock horror) but that’s about the extent of binging so far.
Like I said, severely slighted and mislead. I thought the least I was going to get from the experience was the sense of fortitude and accomplishment for having such a marvelous strength of character, grrr. In a fantasy novel this would amount to the hero being promised a dangerous trek through a maze filled with booby traps, only to find that if he goes to the right and then straight through, he’ll get there, no prob. Aaaargh. Annoying to say the least.
But enough about that, let’s get back to the issue at hand, because if I let myself, I’ll continue with stupid analogies for the entire day…gawd, the stupid things kept me up all night…the analogies, that is. Hah.
So, yeah. The past couple of days. Nothing special going on, really, just the daily things such as chores, (love the new washing machine, by the way. Spins so hard stuff is almost dry immediately when I hang it up) and writing.
Added another ten pages “A.T.O.L.” manuscript since the last time I wrote the blog, we’re getting there, got the total up to 140 now, yay. Still don’t know if it is any good, but that only time and lots of editing will tell, hah.
Considering that the day before yesterday was a totally boring day with only minor tasks throughout, yesterday I decided to start on the my own bookshelves at last, which meant, sawing wood, sanding it and then putting the simple design together today. The first one is basically done and it’s looking good, I’m thinking. It’ll be some time yet before the rest will get done, but all in all, it should look pretty darn neat in the end.
I’m thinking real wood shelving for the books and then a big wall structure of light yellow MDF for my statues and such, giving them all a proper display case. The latter will be quite a task yet, not to mention a heavy construction all in all, but considering that I’m going to be spreading it out, I don’t suppose that will be much of a problem.
Other than that, little sister did a bit more work in the bathroom, which now only needs to have a border added to the window frame and the light switch. Little brother has been attacking the spider webs with the vacuum cleaner, and seeing that the cloth coverings of the second floor banister had to be removed anyway, I threw them in the laundry now that I had the chance.
Song of the day yesterday was, “I wish I was your lover” by Enrique Iglesias, by the way. Marvelous song.
Our tenant’s exercises are going steadily still. Yesterday, for the first time since her stroke, she managed to lift her left arm up a little. We’d been working with the arm for a while now, and though, pushing at stuff, and even holding on was starting to work pretty well, she still couldn’t lift the appendage on her own…but she did it now, yay! Hah.
And I’m starting to draw a blank again. Not that this is bad, since I really should get back outside and get to work again. With a little luck, Knight II will actually keep his big trap shut (chortle) but I’m not holding my breath, hah. Gotta do something about training the giant…heck, while I’m at it, gotta do something about training the rest of the ninety-something pack, too.
Laters!
I was literally prepared for the worst, hoping for some dramatic story I could write here on the blog. For instance: Me, curled up in the corner of the shower, valiantly battling against temptation, crying miserably but holding on by showing grit. Me, fighting the almost insurmountable desire to lick out the dirty ashtray when I’m incapable of finding an almost burned down bud: or me, getting in snippy debates with the sibs while they try to convince me that I gotta keep my promise to myself no matter what the cost. Everything would be better than now just complaining about the complete lack of any such thing.
Honestly, what kind of epic battle is there to describe when the worst of it felt like seeing a large bag of potato chips lying on the table and not being allowed to take any of the paprika, while the classics are free for grabs. Come to think of it, that might actually be worse…or not? Hmmm. I don’t know…maybe. Hah.
I have to admit that I feel a tad slighted on the entire thing. I would have liked to be able to tell dramatic tales of conquering this so-called HUGE addiction. Like, “I had to fight it so hard that at one point I actually passed out”…but no, the worst of it was, being a little light-headed in the twentieth hour, a little bored with my hands during the course of the given day, and a little flighty in the brain on the overall…got that more often, also when I smoked, so, nothing new there, hah. Had and extra glass of cola, two coffee and a chocolate cookie extra (gasps in mock horror) but that’s about the extent of binging so far.
Like I said, severely slighted and mislead. I thought the least I was going to get from the experience was the sense of fortitude and accomplishment for having such a marvelous strength of character, grrr. In a fantasy novel this would amount to the hero being promised a dangerous trek through a maze filled with booby traps, only to find that if he goes to the right and then straight through, he’ll get there, no prob. Aaaargh. Annoying to say the least.
But enough about that, let’s get back to the issue at hand, because if I let myself, I’ll continue with stupid analogies for the entire day…gawd, the stupid things kept me up all night…the analogies, that is. Hah.
So, yeah. The past couple of days. Nothing special going on, really, just the daily things such as chores, (love the new washing machine, by the way. Spins so hard stuff is almost dry immediately when I hang it up) and writing.
Added another ten pages “A.T.O.L.” manuscript since the last time I wrote the blog, we’re getting there, got the total up to 140 now, yay. Still don’t know if it is any good, but that only time and lots of editing will tell, hah.
Considering that the day before yesterday was a totally boring day with only minor tasks throughout, yesterday I decided to start on the my own bookshelves at last, which meant, sawing wood, sanding it and then putting the simple design together today. The first one is basically done and it’s looking good, I’m thinking. It’ll be some time yet before the rest will get done, but all in all, it should look pretty darn neat in the end.
I’m thinking real wood shelving for the books and then a big wall structure of light yellow MDF for my statues and such, giving them all a proper display case. The latter will be quite a task yet, not to mention a heavy construction all in all, but considering that I’m going to be spreading it out, I don’t suppose that will be much of a problem.
Other than that, little sister did a bit more work in the bathroom, which now only needs to have a border added to the window frame and the light switch. Little brother has been attacking the spider webs with the vacuum cleaner, and seeing that the cloth coverings of the second floor banister had to be removed anyway, I threw them in the laundry now that I had the chance.
Song of the day yesterday was, “I wish I was your lover” by Enrique Iglesias, by the way. Marvelous song.
Our tenant’s exercises are going steadily still. Yesterday, for the first time since her stroke, she managed to lift her left arm up a little. We’d been working with the arm for a while now, and though, pushing at stuff, and even holding on was starting to work pretty well, she still couldn’t lift the appendage on her own…but she did it now, yay! Hah.
And I’m starting to draw a blank again. Not that this is bad, since I really should get back outside and get to work again. With a little luck, Knight II will actually keep his big trap shut (chortle) but I’m not holding my breath, hah. Gotta do something about training the giant…heck, while I’m at it, gotta do something about training the rest of the ninety-something pack, too.
Laters!
Friday, January 1, 2010
To stop, or not to stop....grrrr.
Happy New Year!!! Aren’t you just itching to see what 2010 is going to bring? *perky smile*
Well, I might be sarcastic about it, but I am curious as to the new year, not so much due to the “new year”, but more in the way of thinking back about last year, and realizing how much has changed in that time.
Song of the day: “I will survive” by Gloria Gaynor. Very appropriate, all things considered, hah.
So yeah, disaster struck the day before yesterday; the price cigarettes had gone up another few cents, passing the limit I had put myself (back in the day) just in case…so now it’s gotta happen, I’ve got to try to stop smoking, because…well, because I promised I would if it ever reached this point. Darn it!
I am basically a conscious smoker. Started when I was twenty four/three very deliberately, because, well, I wanted to, and because I simply do no believe in the ongoing crusade against cigarettes. Ya can yap to me all about statistics and whatever but I refuse to believe that tobacco is even remotely as dangerous as (for instance) car exhausts.
Sure, not smoking at all is healthier…in a world where there wasn’t a single polluted fluff in the air, but in the bigger scheme of things (i.e. engines) cars, planes and anything else with an exhaust, chemical factories (no matter how environmentally safe) nuclear power plants and all that crap out there, a cigarette would be little more than an annoying zit.
But, it’s an expensive one, so I’m afraid I’m screwed and need to quit.
42 hours, 37 minutes and 51 seconds gone (give or take a second or two) without the blessed, relaxing nicotine, and I’m…well, coping well enough, I guess. I’m having very distinct images of me, sitting back and lighting one up (sorta like someone prodding me all the time, and driving me bonkers) breathing in deeply, and doing it again, keeps popping up for some reason.
I’m a tad irritable…while yesterday I applied the technique, it is not that bad, today I’m doing the how-much-would-I-have-smoked-if-I-hadn’t-quit-and-lit-one-up-every-time-I-wanted: I’m at 37…ehm, make that 38, hah.
I don’t know if it has anything to do with the stop smoking bit, but for some reason I’m pretty tired since yesterday, even though I’m getting enough sleep. On the most part we’ve been doing only minor little projects. Three Christmas trees were put in the ground the other day, and were shored up today.
I got to dig a rather big hole (yes, I’ve found that keeping busy is rather helpful, hah) searcher for the water vein that has decided to come up on our property. It would be rather handy if we had our own water source this summer, but after digging out a 3 by 3 surface, a foot and a half deep I don’t know if it works out. We’ll have to see, I guess.
Four Cocker Spaniels got shaven yesterday by the sisters, which means that we need to do only two or three more dogs. (Oops, there went 39 imaginary cigarettes…boy are you going to read about cigarettes a lot the next few weeks.) Considering I’ve never tried to stop before, I’ve not a clue how long this is going to take. I am presuming that it’s going to be a lot worse…Oh my gawd, I just grabbed my lighter to light up the toothpick I’ve been chewing on for the past two days. Hah. Insanity. This is going to be fascinating; how bad are things going to get? Will I get more than a little nervous, snippy, crappy, downright upset? Am I going to scavenge for that last cigarette…oh wait, they’re just lying there, right in the open cabinet in the kitchen and I can take one whenever it gets to be too bad. Is it too bad yet? *thinks* Nah, I can last another hour, or so…I think.
Isn’t temptation horrid…will I manage it, I wonder? I don’t know, this morning it took me exactly forty minutes before I thought of a cigarette…drat, I did it again: 40!
Little sister and I made pie last night. One half was crumble peach, and the other half raspberry cherry, and the second pie was a whole apple pie. Even though we were missing several ingredients, what with the last minute decision to make them, but they worked out well; added raisins, some walnuts and almonds to the apple pie, just to make up for the lack of cinnamon.
What with nine people eating from it, you can imagine how long it lasted. Hah.
Got my “birthday” present in the shape of a new washing machine, yay! (Apparently, big brother has been putting a bit aside for the past year after all, and saw a sale he had to get) An eighteen-pounder that ‘ll cycle 1200 a minute during the centrifuge stage. Phew. It’s also a little smaller than the last one, so it fits perfectly on the pedestal in the corner of the courtyard.
Of course, when I was blissfully hanging almost dry laundry this afternoon, the beam of the lines broke of the pillar. Stupid thing, there I was, just barely managing to grab it before three loads worth of laundry went all over the dirty ground. Aaargh. Big brother hung the beam back up with metal wires for the time being, but it looks like I’m going to have to hang them all over again.
During the course of the past couple of days, I made a metal carousel like device for grandpa, over the new work bench, and it holds all the hammers. It worked out rather nicely, though I am not sure if it’s going to stay there, simply because I have no idea if it is at all handy. It seemed like a good idea when I thought of it, but we’ll have to see.
Mom finished her new quilt for me, and it is now on my bed. Patchwork always works well, and the orange/yellow colors always work well. Had a friend come over for a visit the other day, and that was a fun change in the usual routine. The dogs definitely took advantage of relatively naïve hands, that didn’t realize their sneaky technique of getting more attention.
42…jeez, even in my least frugal days I didn’t smoke that many in a day. Hah.
Wrote a total of twelve more pages for the book, bringing the total up to more than 130. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Hah.
I’ve been having a lot of déjà vu again of late, which is definitely freaking me out. I’d be in the middle of some action, like working in the carport at the new table that is just barely finished, and then getting this chill over your back when you just KNOW that you’ve done the action before, right there in that spot with the conversations going on around you, and the people, the light, everything exactly the same. FREAKY, I tell ya.
Well, I’m definitely behind today. I really should be writing on the book right now, but…I’m distracted and…well, you know why. Hah. Heck, last night I actually felt a tad light headed, and thinking of it, I’m experiencing it a bit now too. Grrr. Feels like being high, which I don’t like at all, darn it.
The worst of it is that now it seems as if I did some sort of whacky New Year’s resolution, I DIDN’T, darn it…the price just went over what I had set as a limit a few days before the year change.
So don’t come with good luck with the New Years resolutions please, the one hasn’t got anything to do with the other and I quit at midnight on the 29th, thank you very much. I HATE New Year’s resolutions. I don’t need a special day and some big party to make me change something.
Boy, I’m sounding a bit snarky, don’t I…like I told the sibs, this experience is probably going to be worse for those around me than me. You’ll see, soon I’ll be holding folks’ offers for a cigarette off with; “No no, I’m fine,” while they beg, “No really, take one…a drag then. Inhale, deeply, pulleeeease!” Images like that just choke me up. Hah.
But seriously, let’s see the next couple of days as an adventure and try to find out if I can go against the wonderful addiction called smoking, or if I’m going to give in and inhale that tobacco once more…Gawd, I really, really want to, hah.
The theory is, as long as I don’t say, I CAN’T take one (leave the option open that if I can’t take it, I can just light one up), I won’t HAVE to take one. Hah. Only time will tell if it works, I guess. *sigh*
Seeya later and wish me luck.
#43. Crap!
Well, I might be sarcastic about it, but I am curious as to the new year, not so much due to the “new year”, but more in the way of thinking back about last year, and realizing how much has changed in that time.
Song of the day: “I will survive” by Gloria Gaynor. Very appropriate, all things considered, hah.
So yeah, disaster struck the day before yesterday; the price cigarettes had gone up another few cents, passing the limit I had put myself (back in the day) just in case…so now it’s gotta happen, I’ve got to try to stop smoking, because…well, because I promised I would if it ever reached this point. Darn it!
I am basically a conscious smoker. Started when I was twenty four/three very deliberately, because, well, I wanted to, and because I simply do no believe in the ongoing crusade against cigarettes. Ya can yap to me all about statistics and whatever but I refuse to believe that tobacco is even remotely as dangerous as (for instance) car exhausts.
Sure, not smoking at all is healthier…in a world where there wasn’t a single polluted fluff in the air, but in the bigger scheme of things (i.e. engines) cars, planes and anything else with an exhaust, chemical factories (no matter how environmentally safe) nuclear power plants and all that crap out there, a cigarette would be little more than an annoying zit.
But, it’s an expensive one, so I’m afraid I’m screwed and need to quit.
42 hours, 37 minutes and 51 seconds gone (give or take a second or two) without the blessed, relaxing nicotine, and I’m…well, coping well enough, I guess. I’m having very distinct images of me, sitting back and lighting one up (sorta like someone prodding me all the time, and driving me bonkers) breathing in deeply, and doing it again, keeps popping up for some reason.
I’m a tad irritable…while yesterday I applied the technique, it is not that bad, today I’m doing the how-much-would-I-have-smoked-if-I-hadn’t-quit-and-lit-one-up-every-time-I-wanted: I’m at 37…ehm, make that 38, hah.
I don’t know if it has anything to do with the stop smoking bit, but for some reason I’m pretty tired since yesterday, even though I’m getting enough sleep. On the most part we’ve been doing only minor little projects. Three Christmas trees were put in the ground the other day, and were shored up today.
I got to dig a rather big hole (yes, I’ve found that keeping busy is rather helpful, hah) searcher for the water vein that has decided to come up on our property. It would be rather handy if we had our own water source this summer, but after digging out a 3 by 3 surface, a foot and a half deep I don’t know if it works out. We’ll have to see, I guess.
Four Cocker Spaniels got shaven yesterday by the sisters, which means that we need to do only two or three more dogs. (Oops, there went 39 imaginary cigarettes…boy are you going to read about cigarettes a lot the next few weeks.) Considering I’ve never tried to stop before, I’ve not a clue how long this is going to take. I am presuming that it’s going to be a lot worse…Oh my gawd, I just grabbed my lighter to light up the toothpick I’ve been chewing on for the past two days. Hah. Insanity. This is going to be fascinating; how bad are things going to get? Will I get more than a little nervous, snippy, crappy, downright upset? Am I going to scavenge for that last cigarette…oh wait, they’re just lying there, right in the open cabinet in the kitchen and I can take one whenever it gets to be too bad. Is it too bad yet? *thinks* Nah, I can last another hour, or so…I think.
Isn’t temptation horrid…will I manage it, I wonder? I don’t know, this morning it took me exactly forty minutes before I thought of a cigarette…drat, I did it again: 40!
Little sister and I made pie last night. One half was crumble peach, and the other half raspberry cherry, and the second pie was a whole apple pie. Even though we were missing several ingredients, what with the last minute decision to make them, but they worked out well; added raisins, some walnuts and almonds to the apple pie, just to make up for the lack of cinnamon.
What with nine people eating from it, you can imagine how long it lasted. Hah.
Got my “birthday” present in the shape of a new washing machine, yay! (Apparently, big brother has been putting a bit aside for the past year after all, and saw a sale he had to get) An eighteen-pounder that ‘ll cycle 1200 a minute during the centrifuge stage. Phew. It’s also a little smaller than the last one, so it fits perfectly on the pedestal in the corner of the courtyard.
Of course, when I was blissfully hanging almost dry laundry this afternoon, the beam of the lines broke of the pillar. Stupid thing, there I was, just barely managing to grab it before three loads worth of laundry went all over the dirty ground. Aaargh. Big brother hung the beam back up with metal wires for the time being, but it looks like I’m going to have to hang them all over again.
During the course of the past couple of days, I made a metal carousel like device for grandpa, over the new work bench, and it holds all the hammers. It worked out rather nicely, though I am not sure if it’s going to stay there, simply because I have no idea if it is at all handy. It seemed like a good idea when I thought of it, but we’ll have to see.
Mom finished her new quilt for me, and it is now on my bed. Patchwork always works well, and the orange/yellow colors always work well. Had a friend come over for a visit the other day, and that was a fun change in the usual routine. The dogs definitely took advantage of relatively naïve hands, that didn’t realize their sneaky technique of getting more attention.
42…jeez, even in my least frugal days I didn’t smoke that many in a day. Hah.
Wrote a total of twelve more pages for the book, bringing the total up to more than 130. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Hah.
I’ve been having a lot of déjà vu again of late, which is definitely freaking me out. I’d be in the middle of some action, like working in the carport at the new table that is just barely finished, and then getting this chill over your back when you just KNOW that you’ve done the action before, right there in that spot with the conversations going on around you, and the people, the light, everything exactly the same. FREAKY, I tell ya.
Well, I’m definitely behind today. I really should be writing on the book right now, but…I’m distracted and…well, you know why. Hah. Heck, last night I actually felt a tad light headed, and thinking of it, I’m experiencing it a bit now too. Grrr. Feels like being high, which I don’t like at all, darn it.
The worst of it is that now it seems as if I did some sort of whacky New Year’s resolution, I DIDN’T, darn it…the price just went over what I had set as a limit a few days before the year change.
So don’t come with good luck with the New Years resolutions please, the one hasn’t got anything to do with the other and I quit at midnight on the 29th, thank you very much. I HATE New Year’s resolutions. I don’t need a special day and some big party to make me change something.
Boy, I’m sounding a bit snarky, don’t I…like I told the sibs, this experience is probably going to be worse for those around me than me. You’ll see, soon I’ll be holding folks’ offers for a cigarette off with; “No no, I’m fine,” while they beg, “No really, take one…a drag then. Inhale, deeply, pulleeeease!” Images like that just choke me up. Hah.
But seriously, let’s see the next couple of days as an adventure and try to find out if I can go against the wonderful addiction called smoking, or if I’m going to give in and inhale that tobacco once more…Gawd, I really, really want to, hah.
The theory is, as long as I don’t say, I CAN’T take one (leave the option open that if I can’t take it, I can just light one up), I won’t HAVE to take one. Hah. Only time will tell if it works, I guess. *sigh*
Seeya later and wish me luck.
#43. Crap!
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