What can you do?

Song of the day…well, there have been so many lately. Let’s pick the most prominent and say that it was Enrique Iglesias with his “Heartattack”. Cool song. Like it a lot…but then, I like most his stuff.

Right. Another blog to write, and very little exciting stuff to write about, I fear. Let’s get the nasty bit over and done with. Grandpa. Well, it isn’t good. Staying with Cousin Ed and Tenant is not really possible, he needs too much care, so the doctors are talking about a hospice where he can get the final help he needs in what they are calling the last days, weeks, months of his life. It is all very frustrating, and sad, but if we’re to believe them, his days are definitely numbered. There are moments that he can take it really well, resigned and relatively cheerful, but there are many bad moments which I hadn’t wished for him at all. Alas, that is not something that you can change, can you? The end nearing is always sad, and apparently not something that you can do anything about.

Personally I struggle a lot with: bringing him here was all for nothing, all that effort, all the worries, the risks…everything, it led to nothing, but then I see him at the hospital, talking with the doctors, the nurses, roommates, and realize that if he had ended up in hospital in Spain, this would have been an even bigger hell for him. At least here he can make himself understood, ask questions, get support from people who are familiar with this massive problem, and then I realize that it wasn’t for nothing. At least he has that independence of his mother language and the country that he still considers his own. Heck, I might even envy that feeling a little, because even though I don’t dislike living here, it doesn’t feel like my country at all…guess that having been away for more years than living here has had that effect.

Back to grandpa...I find it reassuring that the doctors want to know if he wants his life to be prolonged when he suffering becomes too great. The question startled him, he told me, but in the end it was kind that at least he has some say in the final decision if it ever comes to that.

But anyway, I would have liked to find a place for grandpa someplace nearby so I could assist whenever necessary, but he has opted to stay near to tenant and Cousin Ed. They did find a hospice there, where at least he’s allowed to take a dog, so that’s good. I arrived there today, and is feeling poorly. He asked me to look for some paintings and such to brighten up his room, so I’ll be going around looking for some other stuff as well.

Work: For me things thankfully quieted down a little. I’m now doing a steady 4 hours a day 6 times a week, with only occasionally some extra hours. In particular since I’m aiming to start writing more again, the regularity should help, and doing big brother’s hours…oh boy, that would not be good for me. He’s regularly working 9 to 11 hours and is of course bushed at the end of the day. That does mean that a lot of everything else comes to me, like cleaning our own pigsty, dinner, groceries, helping out landlady whenever necessary, and so on and on. It is tiring…exhausting, even, but then, what can you do. Life is a lot about the daily stuff, isn’t it?

Annoyingly, I was a little sick last week. I was sooooo cold during the night, and then when I woke up, my back was killing me. And when I say killing me, I really mean killing me. I think it had to do with some odd twisting and turning at work to wash the glass balustrade railing, combined with the cold, and it has been bugging me since. Almost back to normal now, but work was no walk in the park during the worst of it. Thankfully colleagues were very understanding and picked up some of the slack, meaning that work didn’t suffer from it.

Friday, I finally gave in, and did overtime, cleaning the pool, followed by an hour of swimming, and hanging in the whirlpools, the infrared light cell and against the stream yet, until everything was so sore and hot that I didn’t feel my back anymore. Still not completely recovered, but a lot better. Doing stretches, some mild exercises, but other than that…I’ll get there.

Been getting to know my colleagues better. The quirky artist who’s rather sweet and not at all normal…just like the rest of us. The young one who is always ready to claim that she rather not be there, and yet still is. On the one hand I feel like a teen when she’s around, shooting the breeze, talking about silly things, while on the other hand I feel very old when I see the lack of direction and goals in her life. Our team leader, who’s overworked, a tad nerdy and funny in a strange sort of way. The Spanish fashion designer, who makes us practice our Spanish and can swear like a sailor. All in all, they do keep work fun.

Tried a day in the restaurant. Stuff went wrong in the planning, but on the overall I didn’t do bad…it was just so incredibly boring standing here waiting for clients, making coffee, tea, smoothies and whatnot. I don’t think that waitressing is my thing, really. I was, and am, willing to do it, naturally, but it is not really drawing me, or challenging me. Anyway, I haven’t heard anything about it, so I guess they have different plans, which is okay by me. The money would have been nice, but I better use that extra time for writing, shouldn’t I?

Did finally decide to move from the attic to a room on the second floor. The nights are getting colder, and sleeping on the floor really wasn’t a good idea. I now have a proper bed (the mattress is not as good as I’d wished, but it will do for now) a desk to work on (this was important, because the attic was dark and I found myself reluctant to settle down behind the computer for that reason) and a proper chair that I found a thrift store for a reasonable price. Comfortable, is the word to describe it, and colorful…decided to go for color, if you’ll remember…or didn’t I mention that before? Hmmm. Whatever. I’ll try to post some pics the next time…way more light…and an actual view this time.

Big brother is now occupying the attic on his own. He doesn’t mind, and this way we won’t be annoyed with each other. Me with his messiness and lacking need for coziness, and him with me nagging him about that lack. Healthier this way. Hah. Also, a bit of space will be good for us…not that he’s there a lot, poor boy. So many hours of work. By the time he gets home he barely has enough energy to eat the food I cook, and stumble up the stairs to bed. But it is choice, still, luckily. The opportunity with our lack of qualifications, is definitely a good one.

Did some mild experimenting with cooking this past week. Made a very nice Fondue, which I used the next day as a base for a mushroom sauce over pasta the next day. Worked out really well, if I do admit so myself. There were more, but those I’ll have to add to the cooking blog, won’t I?

Actually did manage some writing since the last blog. Not a lot, mind you, but some. “Gun” is officially halfway there. Have been struggling with the escape scene…still…and finally discovered why I had trouble it: They can’t escape. Yeah, I know. Wonky, right? Well, sometimes it goes that way. You plan a scene, you struggle with it time and again, only to discover that the scene won’t let you steer it the way you would want to. And then it happens, something you hadn’t expected: The story takes a different turn…and there really isn’t anything you can do against it. Still. I like the hero…or anti-hero in this case. He’s cynical, sarcastic and selfish, which makes for a nice change.

Though I had fully decided not to work at the thrift store anymore, I got talked into it once again by my colleague there. She’s fun, so it wasn’t all that bad…in particular since work allows me to worry loss…something that has been bothering me a lot lately—worries. They’ve been crowding me quite a bit, making my stomach churn a lot, eating difficult, sleep fretful. Very annoying all of that. Can see it in losing weight, which again, isn’t the right way, but what can you do?

Haven’t been doing any photography lately. No time, no inclination, and the weather, well, it’s not been too bad, just fall is basically over now, so everything looks rather miserable.

A couple of nice walks these past few weeks. Went with landlady’s pups to the short dunes nearby, which was nice. The sun was out, and the dunes filled with people with dogs. I’m discovering that the Dutch really are dog people. The weather improves and they come out in hordes, gathering in the woods to socialize and have the dogs run free. It’s funny to see, really.

Found a rather nice antique chair at the local land fill, which is so very cute. It’s walnut wood, I believe, and the fabric is hideous, but with a little bit of work it’ll be gorgeous again. Am slowly starting to gather books again. Can’t do without them, I fear. They are so nice on a shelf, and so nice to read on every occasion. It’ll take a while before I got all my favorites back, if ever, but books are not something I can do without.

And that brings me to the end of today’s blog. Again, nothing really fun to share, is it? Am I boring you? Perhaps next time, I’ll make something up, add some flair. Should make it a lot more fun, eh?