Goodbye Bambi

Song of the day: “Follow me” by Uncle cracker.

Well, let’s start with the bad news, and take it from there, shall we. Yesterday the dreaded decision was upon us once more. We postponed it as long as possible, but Bambi, a shepherd mix that came to live with us somewhere between 2001 and 2003 (he was this adorable little puppy of about six weeks old with ears bigger than his head. The Vet had found him by the side of the road and needed a home for him. We were the suckers who went for it. Hah) and has been a pack member ever since.


Bambi 2001/2003-2013

He was strange dog, not all that attached, but last year his hearing went, and the past year his eyes were rapidly going, too, and for the past few months he seemed to have convinced himself that he had no idea who we were and would fight us ‘till the bitter end if we so much as tried to pet him. Poor thing. So much fear, which had always been a problem for him but not this much, it was sad to see…not to mention unpleasant since we had to make his fear come true.
Yesterday afternoon we gave him a big sausage filled with sleep pills, basically had to wrestle him down until big brother had him in a headlock, and put the muzzle on him. Still he tried to bite, trying to fight us off. From the way he acted, you never would have guess that he was tranked to the limit, not even when we arrived at the vet.
They were waiting for us, and did offer to do the deed in the car, if that was more comfortable for him. It wouldn’t be, so big brother, murmuring reassurances all the time, carried him inside, and set him on the exam table.
It didn’t take long. Most of him stopped within thirty seconds of the injections, it was just his heart we had to wait for. Despite it all, it was good to see him that relaxed after such a long time, albeit terribly sad.

Tenant is still at the hospital. Again, luckily she doesn’t mind being there too much, so she coping, for the moment. We had hoped to be able to take her home today, but regretfully that wasn’t possible.

But enough depressive stuff. Let’s get the past couple days sorted out so I can go to bed. I’m totally running on fumes again. Okay…Let’s do this…Gawd. I am drawing a complete blank here. For the the life of me I can’t remember what I did today and yesterday. This is so frustrating. Okay, gotta go get my diary…

Right. Did get up early, both today and yesterday, which was hard, in particular since the evening before yesterday I didn’t manage to get to bed until after two in the morning. *sigh* Changing your daily rhythm is the pits, I tell ya. For me it means headaches and exhaustion. Always. Ah well, it’s necessary, so there really isn’t anything that I can change about it.

Breakfast at the moment is done right after the morning chores over edits, before I head on out to the vet to drop poor Knight off for the day. Poor darling is spending way too much time there now. I bring him in the morning and pick him up in the evening, which is getting harder every time because he hates it so much. Seriously, this morning was worse than ever since yesterday they tried something new. They took off his collar cone and put a muzzle on him so they wouldn’t have to put bandage on him and let the wound heal faster. Didn’t work. I could have told them that, but what the hey. They went out for lunch at three, only to come back to Knight minus the muzzle, licking his paw. *sigh*
But anyway, the muzzle debacle left such an impression that he got to be downright nasty this morning when I brought him to the back where he was supposed to stay for the rest of the day. Scratched my arm open before I got firm with him and told him to lie the f**k down and be quiet. He did, looking miserable all the while. If all goes well, this was the last time he had to stay.
Poor, poor darling, in particular since today Paqui shared her concern with me about his paw. Apparently she hears a grinding sound when she handles his paw, and if she didn’t know better she’d think his bones are shattered. That would be really bad. If not impossible, since he is walking on it. I can’t imagine that it’s shattered. I mean, how would it get that way, for crying out loud?
Gawd, we’ll have to see what the x-ray says.

Did catch a semi-nap yesterday afternoon, which was, quality wise, very unimpressive. If I dropped off for more than fifteen minutes it was a lot. Didn’t help much either. Hah.

Sally is doing marginally better. She answers when you talk to her, actually interacts and listens to what is going on, and yesterday she even asked to help cutting veggies for supper. I call that progress to say the least.

Supper involved potato veggie salad both yesterday and today. It was easy, nourishing, and…well, I didn’t feel like cooking. Hah.

As for the bathroom. The boiler is hanging there, the plumbing is working, and the walls are covered. With a little luck Sally and Tenant can shower there on Monday. I gotta say it doesn’t look all that bad. Very eighties, if that means anything to you. Hah. It also has a bit of a public camping ground idea to it, which isn’t a bad thing, necessarily. I should not forget to take a few pictures.

We have once again come on a crossing point in writing, where we’re going to have to make a tough decision writing wise. Either we take a chance with a “maybe, if you do this” opportunity with a publisher, or continue working on Earth Drawn, the non-romantic novel. We’d have about six months to take a rather big risk. It is a difficult choice, in particular since it would mean fundamental changes to a story that is very close to my heart. I haven’t made a decision yet, heck, I haven’t even spoken about it with friends and family (so hard to do that because you get the “you should do it” or the “how dare they” response, which doesn’t help at all) only big brother who says we should take the chance because at least it is some feedback. But for him it is just altering stuff, while for me it is messing with one of my babies. The only way I can see myself do this is basically rewriting the story and starting the characters from scratch. I liked those characters the way they were, darn it. Innocent, kind, sweet, only to have that called unrealistic, not gritty enough, and to “unflawed”. I can get the gritty part in most cases, I like gritty as much as the next person, but that was not the point of this story.
The only plus from the whole thing is that no one has complained about my writing style, or grammar, which was always my biggest concern. This is more about taste, and what is sellable. I get it, it’s just that it’s a daunting task with absolutely not guarantees. I need to give this some serious thought before I make a decision.
I think my biggest issue is that I don’t so much want to publish “a book” but that I want to be “a writer” because I love creating worlds, any world.
*sigh*

I’ll let you know what I decide.

Finally managed to get some cleaning done in my cabin. Put away clean laundry, swept the floors, cleaned my sheets and all those little luxuries that make sleep so very pleasant. Hah.

We were out for a donation again, of course, so we were kept nicely busy loading and unloading…speaking of unloading, tomorrow is market day. Yep. Our first evening market, where I’ll be heading for the hospital as soon as we’ve got our stand set up. It’ll be late, but I don’t think Tenant will mind being kept from sleep for a bit. Let’s see how the evening goes, shall we. The weather will be pleasant, according to the predictions. We’ll see.

Well, it’s half past eleven, so it’s time for me to call it a day.

Time tied

Song of the day: “Sweet Goobye” by Krezip. Strange song to have in your head, in particular since it is so sad. Hmmm.

Well, sleep has been rather short again the past couple of days. Who cares, right? I’ll sleep when I’m dead, or something. Hah. The biggest problem at the moment is that I have to go to the vet twice a day to drop Knight off, and pick him up again, because I don’t want him to spend the night on his own there, poor darling. Even with this, he is incredibly sticky when we get home…although now, some odd three hours after coming home, he’s stretched out on the bed, snoring liked a sawing machine, for crying out loud.

But anyway, the day was pretty much filled to full capacity. First there is laundry to hang, followed by dropping Knight off, while big brother fed the dogs. Right after, grandpa in the car with me, I headed straight through to the hospital to visit with tenant. She was in good spirits, thankfully, and eagerly awaiting her book, glasses, and dental glue! Stubborn as always, promising that she had learned her lesson, and would drink more once she got home…the way she always does when she ends up in hospital, I’ll not hold my breath this time either. *sigh*

I did warn her that we might not be able to come by tomorrow (today) due to the fact that we were still without the Land Rover (blasted bank Holidays) and that we had to go to Spanish class, , and after that maybe pick up the car, and go to town for a donation kind of thing. (I’ll explain later.) She looked a little down because of it, but she understood, of course.
A doctor breezed through while I was there. She has to be on antibiotic again, and has to stay for several days, once again. The moment I asked something, he was looking at his watch. I know this twat, of course. Met him before, but I explained that I would not be able to come and visit the next day, to which he assured me that I wouldn’t need to worry, it was fine. *sigh* Arrogant is the word you’ll find him under, I tell ya.

But anyway, grandpa and I said our goodbyes, and headed back home. Tried to do some writing, but there was too much to do, like the bathroom. Worked with silicone, closing off the corners and such, which took some time.

Sally appears to be doing a little better. At least she is coherent with less of the opiates in her system. Luckily, so far, she isn’t experiencing more pain either, so it seems it is working. Maybe all the screaming, moaning and uncooperativeness has everything to do with wrong medication. I sure hope so, because we were already contemplating finding a different solution for her living arrangements since she would not let us help her at all and was just sitting there, basically rotting away. I gotta say that I don’t know what the doctors are thinking prescribing meds like that? What use is it to give the patient something that will just make them stop functioning entirely?
Such troubles exhaust me, I must admit.
*sigh*

Dinner, yesterday (after I picked up Knight who appears to do a little better, too) involved red beets and potatoes, which were absolutely delicious…heck, we even ate them again this morning, which started early because we’re going to try to get up earlier in order to be able to do more in the day…don’t worry, that means we’re going to bed earlier too (hopefully) simply because in the evenings we are too tired to do much on the book. With a little luck we’ll be able to do a few pages in the morning before we start with the day.

So we were early this morning, as planned, only to discover that mom had planned to go to town to pick up a load of free dog food. She needed big brother for that, so he could go with her in the van, while cousin Ed and grandpa took Sally to the health center in the village. She had an appointment.

I fed the dogs on my own, printed out a few pamphlets for Samaya Photography, sorted through a stack of my photographs to get a portfolio ready, ate while doing that, and tried to do some Spanish.
Since big brother wasn’t home on time, I took the opportunity to drive Knight to the vet again, the moment the Opel was back. I was late, naturally, but it was okay, and I was back twenty past eleven, with just enough time to add two more sentences to my homework.

Were about ten minutes late at Spanish class, but it was okay, the teacher didn’t mind, and we even kept up until ten minutes past the normal time to make up for the loss. No photo session, again, according to the teacher my future model wants to have “the perfect” dress for the occasion. Whether it is true, or if she changed her mind, I don’t know. But I didn’t mind that the appointment was cancelled. Had to go and pick up the car, yay!

Got there after three, paid the bill. Yikes! Hung some pamphlets there, and several other locations, split up with the two cars and separately made our way home. Cooking then, of course, unloading, dragging the van from inside the gate because the sibs needed unload the dog food. We are going to need to get that all stored tomorrow, which reminds me that I need to wrap this up to go bed right about now. Grrr.

What the heck

Song of the day: “Rotterdam” by the Beautiful South.

Didn’t get to bed until four on Friday night, so it was a bit of a short night, all things considered.

Lucky for Sally she only had to stay the night in hospital, not so lucky for Sally we were one car short and couldn’t pick her up from the hospital, meaning that she had to be brought home by an ambulance, which took all day. Lucky for Sally, when asked how the ride was, she answered blithely, “oh, very short” So all was well in Sally’s world. Phew. Due to her behavior today, we are starting to suspect that she might be this way due to her medication. Something that happened this weekend (I’ll get to that later) made me wonder, so we’re going to check that out. It just ain’t right that she’s acting so completely uncooperative. I’ll let you know how it worked out.

No market this Saturday, so in that regard everyone had a day off…not that there was much off involved, but what the hey it’s the thought that counts.

Every free minute was spent working on the new bathroom, which is slowly, but steadily, coming to completion. We’ll need at least two more days (let’s hope we can get those one of these days) but then the ladies should be able to shower just fine.

Cooking was basically only something we had time for on Saturday, meaning yellow zucchini, a fresh tomato sauce and spaghetti. It was delicious, and did the trick the next day too. Today, I regretfully forgot lunch, so luckily I ate meat yesterday (good Sammie…in case you haven’t noticed, I’m trying to work with positive reinforcement here. If I say that often enough, I might end up liking the stuff…I hope…it’s not working yet. Hah) which made up for some of the lack of nutritional stuff today.

Then yesterday the next disaster struck, grandpa was feeling rather poorly so we went to the village to see his doctor. There wasn’t all that much he could do, only prescribe some stuff, one of which was a painkiller he took round the time we got home. We did some work on the bathroom, and then after grandpa had gone inside to have his lunch, he began to complain that he couldn’t get his dentures in…which was when we discovered that his tongue had swollen to about twice its normal size. We scrambled a little, called the doctor if he could be having an allergic to something. It was very rare, but to be sure we’d better get him some prednisone. We have those, the injectable kind for the dogs, and injected him with the stuff. It didn’t appear to be helping, and his tongue swelled to three times the size, so we packed him up in the car and drove him to the small emergency hospital in town. He was immediately put on a drip with more prednisone. The doctor there immediately started clucking that he wasn’t supposed to take the medication he’d received and basically told us to toss the box asap. Spent about three hours at the ER *sigh* but grandpa quickly recovered and was allowed to go home. Gawd, that was a big scare.

Only got a modicum of editing done, regretfully, and even less writing. Grrrr. How one earth am I going to get this friggin’ book finished if so much keeps getting in the way, huh.

Added to that, big brother and I have been busy printing pamphlets for my photography, but also for construction, because let’s face it, the way things are going we’re going to have to find a way to supplement our funds soon.

Had to get up early while big brother went to the village to pick up the nurse who would take care of tenant and Sally this morning. Tenant was already ready in her bed, but Sally hadn’t prepared at all, so I had to do that while the nurse took care of tenant, and then turned up once I’d put her in clean clothes. It wasn’t easy, I tell ya. Luckily her wounds are doing a lot better.

Knight’s friggin’ paw is doing poorly, still swollen, so keeping it clean and drenched in iodine, I managed to hold out ‘till this morning before bringing him to the vet. (Otherwise you pay double the fee, ya know) Did exactly that, and the paw hadn’t improved yet. The vet insisted on keeping him there, which I couldn’t really agree with because the last time I had to leave him there for several days, he ended up with a two week depression afterward, darn it. So in the end we agreed he’d stay there during the day, and I would pick him up for the nights. It will have to do. He was indeed psyched when I came to pick him up, took him for a walk, then waited for a bit while they prepared to put a new pressure bandage on his paw.

In-between when I came home from dropping Knight off, only to drive off again with Jane this time, who had to get home after taking care of tenant this morning. Dropped her off at the village, rushed back home to discover that tenant wasn’t feeling well at all. Gave her a bit of anti-nausea medication, and then went down to try and get a little work done while caregiver took care of tenant.

Turns out tenant had a fever, so once again we had to call the ambulance, and despite the fact that some paracetemol brought her fever down a little, it was decided that she would have to be checked out at the hospital. Another urine tract infection, of course, so that means she’s going to have to spend a few days at the hospital again. Aaaaargh.

Spent the majority of the day diverting attention between Sally who needed care, writing, and working on the bathroom…then we had to go pick up Knight, and caregiver who had managed to catch a bus at the hospital and was already halfway home where we could pick her up. Also had to get some plumbing supplies at the hardware store, but regretfully didn’t get home until ten. *sigh*

Which brings us to the end of the today’s blog. I need to drop Knight off at the vet again, then head straight on to the hospital to look in on tenant, and then, maybe, just maybe I’ll manage a bit more work on the book.

At the hospital

Song of the day: “Que Sera Sera” by Doris Day. Sang it together with Sally in the ambulance, and it’s been stuck in my head ever since.

So, there we are, once more, writing from the hospital, but this time not in the normal waiting room, but instead in this small consult room in the back while Sally waits for yet another brain scan. Things were getting to be too bad these past few days. She was unresponsive, hostile, not to mention completely uncooperative, so today we decided to not linger any longer, and called for an ambulance. It took some doing too, seeing as she wasn’t bleeding half to death, or screaming at the top of her lungs (not at that moment anyway), but the ambulance did arrive, and I got to go along because they don’t like having patients sit alone in the back. Of course the driver was tearing through corners, meaning that Sally puked all over herself, which had the orderly thrilled of course, and me gagging, seeing as I am unable to handle vomit. Sat there the rest of the way, breathing through my mouth, thinking happy thoughts. It wasn’t working. *sigh*

We arrived at the hospital, and thankfully (partially due to the vomit smell, I think) we got put through triage rather fast and were set in this little back room where a rather nice doctor (for a change) spent some time asking about her symptoms and then took the time to explain to me what was going to happen next, and what has been going on. Apparently the oncologist treating Sally has not been entirely frank with us. Nope. Turns out that her lung cancer has spread, grown considerably in size, but that it is progressing as expected (the way the dude said it). And here we’d been led to believe that it hadn’t grown. *sigh* Apparently you can’t even trust a doctor, eh?

But anyway, this ER doctor was a kind fella, and took his time to explain to me that the reason Sally has been so aggressive is because of the steroids that she’s taking, which is logical, I guess, seeing as it has been getting worse ever since they’ve upped her dosis. Added to that, her increasing weakness has everything to do with the lung cancer. He did this little test thing where she had to lift her arms and stick them out ahead of her, and it was practically impossible.

I do admit to finding it so very odd that she had moments of complete lucidity while we were talking with the doctor. Personally he thinks there might be something wrong in her blood, so they’re going to do some blood tests. Had a good nurse this time round, who got a vein at the first try and drew blood without a problem. Yay for the nurse. That sure is a first.

Added to the blood test, the doc has also ordered a brain scan, to make sure that the lesions aren’t getting worse. In both cases, the head and the blood, if there’s something off, she’s going to have to be admitted, if there’s not, I’m going to be able to take her home tonight with heavier medication that will increase her appetite, and morphine for the pain.

Right now, she is sitting across from me in a hospital gown, because the rest was completely soiled, and another nice nurse didn’t make a problem of needing to help her get changed. It is promising to be a long evening, but what the hey, I’ve got my computer with me, I need to write this blog anyway, and…well, we’ll just have to wait and see how things go, won’t we?

As to the past couple of days. I am not happy with how Knight’s been doing. Poor fella’s very quiet, doesn’t eat well, and has this “paleness” about him. I know, I can’t really explain why it looks that way, but it does. Added to that, you can also see that he is getting on in age. His face is getting to be gray, and his eyes are less fanatic than they used to be. Gawd, I sure hope he’ll hold out a bit longer…preferably without all these health messes. His foot is a friggin’ disaster again. Seriously, the vet, wanting to be helpful since he was already “under” anyway, figured she might as well try to stitch his foot again, only to have it now twice as bad than before, darn it. Poor fella. Such a tough life he’s had. Not a single year without some sort of trouble, and the last year has been the worst ever. Now he’s at the vet’s almost every month, with problems that keep persisting, for crying out loud.

But enough about that. What else has been going on? Well, I did manage to do some work on the new bathroom. Considering there was welding to be done, for the market, as well as other stuff, I did most of the last bits on my own…with grandpa and cousin Ed’s help when I needed it. Most of the walls are up now. The tap is in, and the floor is done. With a little luck, and time…we should be able to manage time, seeing as we were forced to cancel Saturday’s evening market (car will stay at the garage during the weekend)…we should get it done round Monday. Wednesday at the latest.

Which reminds me. The car. The worst happened, and the repair is going to have to be a big one. Considering we’re low on funds, our mechanics are now doing a full cleaning of the engine parts, hoping that through this they will need to order less of the expensive replacements and thus save us some extra money, for which I am infinitely grateful. I am totally going to bake them a pie this Sunday, because I cannot afford to pay them a bonus. I’m thinking and apple pear pie, which should be totally doable, if not absolutely delicious. Let’s hope the new oven work properly, because this will be its first run.

We are slowly starting to notice that our dog count is going down. It is a good thing, I know, but it also saddens me from time to time. Seriously, there was a time when feeding time was a complete frenzy, yet now we are obliged to decrease the amount frequently, because the dogs can’t finish it. Of course the fatsos wouldn’t mind at all to clean the mess up for us, but let’s face it, we are trying to have them not be fat anymore. You should see the outrage on Chaos’ face every time we put him in the carport to keep him from overeating. Really, if he could talk you would hear him say, “But, but, but I’m not done yet. I’m a growing boy, you know, I need nourishment. If you put me out, I just might perish.” *sigh* Poor Basset.

Writing. Well, I have been doing both writing and editing. The latter mainly because big brother has managed to battle his way through about twenty pages, which means that he was starting to get urgent in getting me to do a few pages at least. Not that I mind, mind you. The edit has to be done after all. It is just that I often had difficulty separating my editing brain from my writing brain. Stupid thing doesn’t want to switch back and forth at a moment’s notice. But it doesn’t matter. At the moment I am in a rather good scene, which I am desperately trying to hold onto while doing the blogs, the hospital visits, the edits, the cooking, the construction, and all that jazz. I know, fascinating, right?

But anyway, what else. My cabin is a friggin’ mess. On the scale of ten important things that need to be done, it rates about a fifty, right? It is starting to bug me, though, since I am now forced to put clean laundry on the cupboard outside, because all my other horizontal surfaces are all occupied. Got to cut a minute or two out of the day one of these days, to see to that.

Cooking…well, there was none of that today. Didn’t have time for breakfast, so I snacked on a sesame bar instead. Did have a couple of grandpas pancakes this afternoon, thankfully, and some nuggets right before I had to leave for the hospital with Sally.
Luckily we had a full meal yesterday of spaghetti with veggies and a cream sauce, not to mention that we lunched on some red meat with satay sauce (good Sammie), so today’s lack of food should not be the biggest disaster. Also had an alcohol free beer before leaving a few hours ago, so I should have more than enough minerals in my system right now…doesn’t mean I’m not hungry, though. *sigh* Or thirsty. Soon I’m going to have to find a vending machine for water, because, boy, it’s dry in here.

What else, there were the usual chores of course. Laundry, feeding the dogs, doing some cleaning in the carport because there was no more space on the work table. Added to that I had to head to the vet early yesterday morning (again late today) so I’d be home on time for little brother and mom to go to the village to pick up little brother’s new bank account information, and to pay insurance on the van. Then they had to hurry, too, because caregiver had to take tenant to the health center where they’re supposed to check her kidney tube every other day. We’re not happy how that’s going either, considering tenant appears to be a little under the weather at the moment. Let’s hope she doesn’t get complications as well, because having both ladies in the hospital would be…well, that would be way bad. Grrr.

Well, I can’t think of anything else, which, I am going to blame on the fact that it is already past eleven while I write this, and we’re still waiting for Sally’s brain scan. Regretfully there was this fella with an emergency rolled in, just when we were about to get our turn, so the waiting game continues on.

Did meet a rather nice English doctor earlier (an x-ray doctor, apparently) who stubbed her toe, dislocating it, while she was trying to her sick child from its crib. She’s been waiting for hours too, and she just wants to see the x-rays to know if it’s broken or not. If not, she’s outta there asap to go back to her kid. I wish her luck, seeing as this place seems to thrive on waiting, darn it.

I’m going to post this blog later on, and see now if I can maybe get some serious writing done, if not…I’ll blame it on me getting considerably tired by now. Hah.