To stop, or not to stop....grrrr.

Happy New Year!!! Aren’t you just itching to see what 2010 is going to bring? *perky smile*
Well, I might be sarcastic about it, but I am curious as to the new year, not so much due to the “new year”, but more in the way of thinking back about last year, and realizing how much has changed in that time.

Song of the day: “I will survive” by Gloria Gaynor. Very appropriate, all things considered, hah.

So yeah, disaster struck the day before yesterday; the price cigarettes had gone up another few cents, passing the limit I had put myself (back in the day) just in case…so now it’s gotta happen, I’ve got to try to stop smoking, because…well, because I promised I would if it ever reached this point. Darn it!

I am basically a conscious smoker. Started when I was twenty four/three very deliberately, because, well, I wanted to, and because I simply do no believe in the ongoing crusade against cigarettes. Ya can yap to me all about statistics and whatever but I refuse to believe that tobacco is even remotely as dangerous as (for instance) car exhausts.

Sure, not smoking at all is healthier…in a world where there wasn’t a single polluted fluff in the air, but in the bigger scheme of things (i.e. engines) cars, planes and anything else with an exhaust, chemical factories (no matter how environmentally safe) nuclear power plants and all that crap out there, a cigarette would be little more than an annoying zit.
But, it’s an expensive one, so I’m afraid I’m screwed and need to quit.

42 hours, 37 minutes and 51 seconds gone (give or take a second or two) without the blessed, relaxing nicotine, and I’m…well, coping well enough, I guess. I’m having very distinct images of me, sitting back and lighting one up (sorta like someone prodding me all the time, and driving me bonkers) breathing in deeply, and doing it again, keeps popping up for some reason.
I’m a tad irritable…while yesterday I applied the technique, it is not that bad, today I’m doing the how-much-would-I-have-smoked-if-I-hadn’t-quit-and-lit-one-up-every-time-I-wanted: I’m at 37…ehm, make that 38, hah.

I don’t know if it has anything to do with the stop smoking bit, but for some reason I’m pretty tired since yesterday, even though I’m getting enough sleep. On the most part we’ve been doing only minor little projects. Three Christmas trees were put in the ground the other day, and were shored up today.

I got to dig a rather big hole (yes, I’ve found that keeping busy is rather helpful, hah) searcher for the water vein that has decided to come up on our property. It would be rather handy if we had our own water source this summer, but after digging out a 3 by 3 surface, a foot and a half deep I don’t know if it works out. We’ll have to see, I guess.

Four Cocker Spaniels got shaven yesterday by the sisters, which means that we need to do only two or three more dogs. (Oops, there went 39 imaginary cigarettes…boy are you going to read about cigarettes a lot the next few weeks.) Considering I’ve never tried to stop before, I’ve not a clue how long this is going to take. I am presuming that it’s going to be a lot worse…Oh my gawd, I just grabbed my lighter to light up the toothpick I’ve been chewing on for the past two days. Hah. Insanity. This is going to be fascinating; how bad are things going to get? Will I get more than a little nervous, snippy, crappy, downright upset? Am I going to scavenge for that last cigarette…oh wait, they’re just lying there, right in the open cabinet in the kitchen and I can take one whenever it gets to be too bad. Is it too bad yet? *thinks* Nah, I can last another hour, or so…I think.
Isn’t temptation horrid…will I manage it, I wonder? I don’t know, this morning it took me exactly forty minutes before I thought of a cigarette…drat, I did it again: 40!

Little sister and I made pie last night. One half was crumble peach, and the other half raspberry cherry, and the second pie was a whole apple pie. Even though we were missing several ingredients, what with the last minute decision to make them, but they worked out well; added raisins, some walnuts and almonds to the apple pie, just to make up for the lack of cinnamon.
What with nine people eating from it, you can imagine how long it lasted. Hah.

Got my “birthday” present in the shape of a new washing machine, yay! (Apparently, big brother has been putting a bit aside for the past year after all, and saw a sale he had to get) An eighteen-pounder that ‘ll cycle 1200 a minute during the centrifuge stage. Phew. It’s also a little smaller than the last one, so it fits perfectly on the pedestal in the corner of the courtyard.

Of course, when I was blissfully hanging almost dry laundry this afternoon, the beam of the lines broke of the pillar. Stupid thing, there I was, just barely managing to grab it before three loads worth of laundry went all over the dirty ground. Aaargh. Big brother hung the beam back up with metal wires for the time being, but it looks like I’m going to have to hang them all over again.

During the course of the past couple of days, I made a metal carousel like device for grandpa, over the new work bench, and it holds all the hammers. It worked out rather nicely, though I am not sure if it’s going to stay there, simply because I have no idea if it is at all handy. It seemed like a good idea when I thought of it, but we’ll have to see.

Mom finished her new quilt for me, and it is now on my bed. Patchwork always works well, and the orange/yellow colors always work well. Had a friend come over for a visit the other day, and that was a fun change in the usual routine. The dogs definitely took advantage of relatively naïve hands, that didn’t realize their sneaky technique of getting more attention.

42…jeez, even in my least frugal days I didn’t smoke that many in a day. Hah.

Wrote a total of twelve more pages for the book, bringing the total up to more than 130. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Hah.

I’ve been having a lot of déjà vu again of late, which is definitely freaking me out. I’d be in the middle of some action, like working in the carport at the new table that is just barely finished, and then getting this chill over your back when you just KNOW that you’ve done the action before, right there in that spot with the conversations going on around you, and the people, the light, everything exactly the same. FREAKY, I tell ya.

Well, I’m definitely behind today. I really should be writing on the book right now, but…I’m distracted and…well, you know why. Hah. Heck, last night I actually felt a tad light headed, and thinking of it, I’m experiencing it a bit now too. Grrr. Feels like being high, which I don’t like at all, darn it.

The worst of it is that now it seems as if I did some sort of whacky New Year’s resolution, I DIDN’T, darn it…the price just went over what I had set as a limit a few days before the year change.
So don’t come with good luck with the New Years resolutions please, the one hasn’t got anything to do with the other and I quit at midnight on the 29th, thank you very much. I HATE New Year’s resolutions. I don’t need a special day and some big party to make me change something.

Boy, I’m sounding a bit snarky, don’t I…like I told the sibs, this experience is probably going to be worse for those around me than me. You’ll see, soon I’ll be holding folks’ offers for a cigarette off with; “No no, I’m fine,” while they beg, “No really, take one…a drag then. Inhale, deeply, pulleeeease!” Images like that just choke me up. Hah.

But seriously, let’s see the next couple of days as an adventure and try to find out if I can go against the wonderful addiction called smoking, or if I’m going to give in and inhale that tobacco once more…Gawd, I really, really want to, hah.
The theory is, as long as I don’t say, I CAN’T take one (leave the option open that if I can’t take it, I can just light one up), I won’t HAVE to take one. Hah. Only time will tell if it works, I guess. *sigh*

Seeya later and wish me luck.
#43. Crap!

Nasty!

“It’s a Beautiful day, the sun is shihininggg” (by Queen, yes, you guessed it) and sarcasm is going to be the tone of the day, ‘cause I’m in a crappy mood, and I Don’t Care! Grrrr.

There’s no reason for it, really, just the silly brain bringing as of yet non-existent problems to the fore. (Makes me wanna swear a blue streak, I tell ya.)

We had a wonderfully exciting day yesterday, (yes, this is where the sarcasm jumps in) started off with rain, then went on to sun…which should have made it all better, but didn’t. We were working outside, of course, when suddenly Prama decided to pounce on Indigo, which then led to, just when I was about to grab him, Knight II snapping at poor Clue and ripping a three inch hole in the side of his neck, darn it! Which meant an unexpected trip to the vet that cost us a solid sixty bucks and ten more stitches to remove in the near future.

Yep that definitely put a cap on my mood which was already going on a steady downhill slide. Then (yes, the fun isn’t over yet) when I came home from that rather time-consuming trip, we were told we could pick Clue up later that day, Knight II was bouncing around (as usual), rushed down the mountain, came across Fortuijn and gave him a “nice” gash in his side…which was luckily small enough not to need stitches. Ah yes, the joys of owning a 120-pound pup, they just never cease.

Be that as is it may, some work got done after all. I have the manuscript up to a 127 pages at the moment, which means that I’m “ejaculating” an average of four pages a day…not bad, all things considered. The story is shaping up nicely, the characters are likable and the plot is thickening, as they say.

Other than that, the new fence is set up about half the way now, the weather allowed us to proceed with it, after all. Now, of course, due to finances, we need to postpone the second half to next month…presuming that there will be no emergencies with the dogs that’ll drain more of the funds. First off, Hummel (small crossbreed) needs an operation on her glands, ‘cause she has a growth there…which means that she will have to have her uterus removed too. Bye bye spare savings, and poor little Hummel!
Next, we need to have two growing pups castrated. Having two males walking around with thirty fertile bitches, really isn’t a smart thing, to say it mildly.

Then there is the washing machine, which has totally given up the spirit and is now standing uselessly like a pile of metal in the courtyard. Aaargh. Stuff like this drives me bonkers.

Little sister and I added a few more drawers for Grandpa in the courtyard. I wasn’t in the mood for a big project so that was just something simple to keep busy.

I cooked the other day, which didn’t work out as well as I wished, but I was in the mood for it, so who gives a fig, I sure don’t. Hah.

And I better stop right here, ‘cause I’m starting to feel downright nasty. Who knows, I might actually start bashing politicians because they’re all bloody bonkers!

Nostalgia. *sigh*

Error: something...1...something. The device cannot connect to the remote server. Please check…yadayadayada. Please try again. If the problem persists, etc. etc. Yep that’s what’s been flashing on my screen off and on for the past couple of days whenever I try to go online. Bloody annoying, so just know that if I manage to post this today, it will be through sheer perseverance, and downright bullheadedness of trying over and over to sneak through. Hah.

Song of the day: “The morning of my life” by Sally Oldfield. I blame it on the evening before yesterday, when big brother and I had a bout of nostalgia and spent at least an hour on Youtube searching for songs we grew up with; ergo: Sally Oldfield and…well the rest is just embarrassing. They were these cute kid songs from when I was six or seven and I figured out how vinyl worked, and literally played an album to the bone.

Hah. It’s amazing how much useless information sticks in the brain, ‘cause I’d hear the beginning tune, three or four words, and yep, I could sing along just fine.
Like I said, useless information. I’m amazed that the ol’ noggin still works with all those kiddie songs still logged in there somewhere. Heck, I swear, the stupid exercise song from my three years of misspent time in private school kept blaring in my head throughout the day.

“Head, shoulders, knee and toe, knee and toe
Head, shoulders, knee and toe, knee and toe
Ears, eyes and point them at your nose
Head, shoulders, knee and toe, knee and toe.”

(In a different language, of course, but what the heck; lots of stuff gets lost in translation)
Would I totally lose face when I say that I almost ended up doing the actual exercise? Aaargh.
Over and over it went, and it drove me absolutely bonkers.

So anyway, over the past couple of days, another ten pages or so got added to the manuscript, which means that, even though I ended up being distracted a bit last night, progress is being made. Somehow, don’t ask me why, I ended up reading up about Anna Swan Bates, and her husband (both so-called giants) and as I’m often inclined to do, I was fascinated by old pictures and such and ended up going through historical ones of the late P.T. Barnum’s “freakshow”

Then of course there was the night before, when I got completely sucked into reading about Venice…yep, research for the books, it is a time-consuming effort…and lost a full hour by reading into it. (More useless information to remember, of course, but who cares. It’s fascinating, hah.)

Besides the writing, there was…give me a second here, I’ll remember, really I will…ehm…stuff. We worked some in the carport and tried to fix grandpa’s satellite. There were a few more rehab sessions with our tenant (she can actually move her left-hand fingers a bit now, yay) and…well, considering I was exhausted, it was a busy day.

Let’s get to yesterday, I might actually remember some of it. Ah, yesterday. The clouds were gone for a change, which was downright marvellous. Clear blue skies, a bright winter sun and not even a lot of wind. Suffice it to say that we grabbed the opportunity with both hands and headed out into the yard for some serious dig work; nothing like some serious physical activity after being hampered by bad weather for almost a week, in the full sun. Since we’re planning on that veggie garden, a new fence needs to be erected to keep the dogs out of the garden. You would think that the only problem we have to be weary of is that they dig out the plants, but nope. There are some in the pack that would actually lounge beside a tomato plant or cabbage and consider it a buffet. Without fencing they would think it their personal take-away joint, and that would kind of defeat the purpose, now wouldn’t it?

So I gathered tools: pickaxes, shovel and gloves, and headed out. What with the ground nicely soggy after weeks of rain it took a relatively short time to get eleven solid holes going, and with the poles hauled down by little brother and sister, we decided we might as well start setting them now the opportunity was there.
Got eleven of them set in concrete and rock, so if the weather holds (doesn’t look like it, but wishing is still free) we should get half the fencing up this week.

On a scary note, we were working in twilight, setting the last poles of the day when suddenly the dogs around us stir and a high screeching reaches our ears. We look around, and suddenly see Sitabah (Weimaraner) drag something around and then shaking it like mad: For some reason she considers little Adma (Pocket Beagle) a rodent, and has grabbed her by the neck.

Big brother pounces immediately, with me close behind and with a firm shove Sitabah lets go of the still screeching Adma who I quickly pick up in my arms to keep the rest of the dogs. Jeez, give me a heart attack why dontcha? Ffff…ehm Copulate!!!…and a lot more swearing! I don’t know what it is with hunting dogs, but sometimes they can be completely nuts. Luckily, Adma is a spry little thing, and besides being a little shocked and shaky, she appears to have suffered no ill effect of the event.

Grandpa, having heard the commotion, came rushing down the mountain, of course, and what with being in the arms of her favorite person in the world, Adma soon calmed down enough to stop shaking. Sitabah looked guilty most of the evening, knowing full well that such behavior is unacceptable, and Touri (Cocker Spaniel) who must have gotten in the midst of things somehow and has a cut on his forehead, is looking a little stunned.

What with the clouds gone, the temperatures are dropping drastically again, meaning that it was time to get out the small rugs that I always lay in my cabin during the winter, ‘cause the wooden floor is getting to be ridiculously cold when the chill creeps up.

Let’s see what else happened…oh yeah, I finally got to watch “Terminator: Salvation” and I gotta say I wasn’t disappointed as much as I’d expected. It was not a half bad action flick, and a nice sequel to the series. Though, admittedly, I liked the Marcus character better than Christian Bale’s John Connor, so the ending was a tad…meh…but still, it wasn’t as bad as the critics said.

And I’m drawing a blank again…no I’m not. Sitabah (yep, she’s going haywire these days) decided to find a way to get up on the roof, and then proceeded to crash through the see-through roof plates, plunging down a solid two stories, if the plating hadn’t landed on the banister of the stairs and made a slide of sorts.

Heck, we hadn’t even realized she went through until we heard her howling in the patio, jumping up and down in front of the door like mad. Much to my relief she’s an agile and muscular dog, who doesn’t weigh a thing, really, ‘cause otherwise she might have broken something during that fall. Phew. No ill effects for her either.

Big brother and I have been doing a lot of plotting for the book too, of course. Making lists of characters, locations and background information. It is a rather fascinating process “creating” the world. Already we have several pages worth of information.
It is one of the greatest things about writing, really. It keeps the brain flexible. Hah.

The washing machine is on the fritz again. We were just too late fixing the leak in the roof near it, and water must have somehow gotten in. So now, it won’t start at all. Until we decide what to do, buy a new one, or have it fixed (if that is possible) grandpa is picking up the slack, throwing piles into his machine every spare minute.

The advantage of yesterday’s splendid weather was that the overfull drying lines could finally be emptied. It did mean that the sisters and I had the table filled with clean laundry that had to be folded fast, lest the dogs considered it a nice spot to snooze on, hah.

Which brings us to today, where we have come upon big brother thirty-fourth Birthday! Yay. Oh my, how does time fly. Just a “short” time we were blithe young kids, scourging countryside, looking for trouble in “Red Dawn” scenarios, hah, and next we’re fully grown adults, trying to get on in life. It’s weird, I tell ya.

And to think that two weeks from now I’ll be thirty-one. I still can’t believe that so much time has passed. It seems like yesterday when I thought, I’m still just a kid, and yet here I’m rapidly approaching middle age. *sigh* Not a bad thing, though. I kinda like being a little more confident, stronger, and healthier and more adapt at handling life’s struggles.

Ah well, life continues, as they say…whether you want it to or not…hmmm. Is that nostalgia talking again? I guess it is.