Turmoil...or just whiny?

Song of the day: “1,000 ships” by Rachel Platten. Lovely song, and I often have it tumbling through my brain over past few weeks.

Life is in somewhat of a turmoil again. Nothing bad…except for grandpa passing on, of course. That goes without saying.  There are still quite a few moments that we get that…oh, right, he’s gone, and we won’t be doing that together again, but other than that, we’re managing to find our peace with this particular issue. But turmoil regardless.

I don’t know what my problem is lately, but I find that my nerve endings are way too raw. Everything hits just a little too deep, which is affecting the quality of life as it is quite a bit. I don’t know what to do about it, really. Rationally, I realize that the past few years have been…difficult, and that that is bound to leave a mark, ripping all the emotional nerves to shreds (too much change, too much worries, too much everything), and all that. But there is this part of me that wants to hide away from all that and be in a world that doesn’t disturb my balance, if you get my meaning. Not too much pressure. Not too much…anything. Just time to…breathe. (This is tired, night time me, talking, by the way. I feel much better in the mornings.)

I know that it (life without unbalancing events) isn’t really possible, because no matter how hard you wish it, you can’t really live in a bubble of emotionless equilibrium. Life is messy with twists and turns you don’t see coming, as it throws you a neck breaking curve every now and then. It is just that lately there have been so many nasty curves; it makes me weary of what will happen next, which I dislike.

Normally, I prefer to look at life positively, see it as an adventure, but the last few years…I don’t know. There are moments that I can be perfectly content. Especially at work, or when, on rare occasions, I manage to do some writing. Those are the times when my thoughts can leave me the f**k alone. On other moments, luckily much rarer now, my thoughts are my biggest enemy. But then…not much you can do about that except shoulder on and handle “life” as best you can, right?

So, what’s the latest? A couple of weeks ago I gave up on big brother coming up scratch about calling our father, and did the honors myself. Got his answering machine, of course. Have I got splendid timing, or what? Finally I get up the nerve, and there I am listening to an answering machine. And I suck at answering machines. I stumbled my way through a message and then hung up, promising myself I would try a couple of times more and then stop beating a dead horse. Felt way too much like Mini Me, way back when, trying to get through to daddy. Anyway, on the following Monday the phone was picked up and I heard a familiar voice. It was a little scratchier than I remembered, but also the same. Very strange.

We were both a little awkward, I think, but we did manage to talk a little, and agreed to meet after a couple of weeks due to a joint logistics problem with work. Rather than sag back in old patterns of all of us going out to eat and talk, I hopped right in and suggested our father and his wife come to eat at our place, considering Land Lady had kindly offered that we could have dinner guests in the main room if we wanted. Sorta doing it on “my turf”, you know. Rather than be insecure Mini Me. Felt better, anyway.

You’d have thought I’d have been stressed out about that, but oddly enough I wasn’t. Not really. I’ve done enough cooking for some pretty difficult people (not saying that he’s difficult, just…well, you know) not to feel stressed about my cooking. In fact, cooking always calms me. I’m creating and that is always a good feeling…not to mention that I don’t have a lot of time to worry while cooking. Hah.

For myself, I felt I had broken through an unhealthy pattern, so I could just let it go, and wait for the day to arrive.

Spent the day before in the kitchen, of course. Sundays are working days for me, and to cook everything after that, felt like a bit too much of a chore. So instead, I spent my second free day in the kitchen, creating. Made a rather nice creamy mushroom pie. Had big brother pick that one. I was doubting about making a leek quiche instead, but big brother preferred mushroom. Mushroom it was. Added to that, I prepped a buckwheat rainbow salad (all colors veggies and boiled buckwheat) with a yogurt dressing. A rice feast with all colored peppers, eggs and cheese as a main dish, followed by a winter pudding that was cream and gentle on the tongue. Nothing too fierce, but round in taste, I thought. A couple of these dishes should end up on the cooking blog for sure. I just need to find the time to jot them down…I know, bad Sammie for not doing that more often. I try. I beg points for that, at least. Hah.

Anyway, had everything prepped and ready except for the main dish that still had to go in the oven after cleaning up and work. Did a quick clean of the house as well. Personally, I can live with spiderwebs in the corners, but one does like to give a good first impression. *chortle* Had Land Lady a little exasperated. For some reason she thought I was stressing about the whole thing, but I wasn’t really. I was just in the zone, if you know what I mean. The way I figure, whenever I get the itch the clean (once in a blue moon) more than just the basics that are necessary for hygienic purposes, we might as well make use of it. Besides, I’m a professional cleaner these days. I’ve got a rep to uphold. Hah.

Work was…interesting that morning. I did the usual running around because we are still understaffed, had to go in conference with big brother to deal with a technical problem at the company, and did the water testing, as agreed, before going back home where I wanted to take a quick shower. The weather was horrid. The cold is coming in. Storms and last night we had an actual freeze. I was friggin’ freezing this morning…and that while I’d only slept 2 hours…okay, now I hear you wondering: Why did she only sleep two hours last night.

Yep. The DINNER: Prepped everything, including setting the table, and then sat down for some relaxed reading. The afternoon passed within no time, and suddenly the doorbell rang. While big brother put the dogs in the kitchen, I went to open the door and was momentarily startled. Seriously, I was standing there, looking at this older man (I don’t know why, but in my mind he was of course much younger) and my first (somewhat sad) thought was: oh my, we’re all getting old. A sad realization, that, in particular since I’m not all that old yet. Getting there, but not yet.

So, yeah. I have another twenty something half brother, who is apparently curious about us. I can admit to the feeling being likewise, but then, I’ve always been incurably curious. Littlest brother apparently cooks, too. Italian: Smart kid. And he’s living (you’re not going to believe this…it is sooooo mean. Hah) in the States. Yep. This is me, being jealous of a 23 year old. Who’d have thought it, right? Don’t get me wrong, he can keep the 23, gawd knows I was a complete and utter mess at that age, and I’ll skip that part, thanks. We will have an excellent excuse to go visit some day, though. Poor kid; getting a visit of his old brother and sister. Hah.

Ah well, back to reality. Had planned on a dinner of a couple of hours, maybe three at most, but that was stretching it because I feared there would quite a few uncomfortable silences…there were a few, naturally, but we ended up talking and eating until eleven in the evening, with none of us the wiser until it was really late. He changed some, I think. Has less barriers thrown up, I think. And there was more affection in his gaze then I used see. Perhaps I wasn’t perceptive at that time (possible, was very young) or he has stopped hiding it under the corporate varnish. A working day was to follow, so we said a hasty goodbye, waved the couple out and started getting ready for bed. A strange, almost surreal evening, from my perspective. Am not entirely sure what to think of it. I don’t want to make something big of it, if it isn’t that, but I am trying to look at it with a somewhat clinical detachment, trying to figure out how I tick inside, if you know what I mean, but it is...I don’t know what to call it.

I find it scary, I’ll admit.  Scary what it does to parts of the old me. Something like this used to mean a lot to me, and there is that part of Mini Me that still feels that way. But there is also a tougher shell of me. A part that looks at it from all those pesky angles of adulthood, weighing out the risks, thinking of the statistics, remembering events from the past, examining them to death in a way that won’t have any use at this late date until I feel…mangled again. Strange huh, how events, words, actions from the past can affect you in such a profound way. I have to say that it is a very unpleasant experience. And I do admit that in this, I wish I were more like Big Brother, who can be wonderfully stoic in times when I feel like life in general is completely topsy turvy. It makes me realize that our different approaches to life are on the most part complementary. Where I overthink and over-invest myself in things and people, he has a tendency to withdraw into himself until he’s got nothing to care about and is all alone…which is not something I wish for him. In that regard we still need each other, just like when we were little kids. Hah.

Aaaaargh.

You see what I mean about overthinking things? Let’s just say that it is starting to become clear to me that for now I need to keep life uncomplicated, maintain as little baggage as possible, and just enjoy things a bit, including this “getting to know each other again”  stage (am incredibly curious about the extended family. Can you imagine the stories, all those events of all those different lives. It would be fascinating), and have a little faith that this latest adventure might not be the disaster I sometimes fear it will be.

Besides my usual mantra of: I won’t care about things that I can’t change, I’m repeating these for now: I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t NEED to keep it all together even when I feel I’m falling apart. I don’t have to get it right in one go. I can make mistakes (and I WILL, just for the heck of it, so there!) and it won’t be the end of the world. I am allowed to just be me. I don’t need to be ANYTHING but ME…that’s what I’m telling myself anyway. Just give me a little time to actually believe it *wink* I’ll get there.

But enough soul searching. There is such a thing as doing too much of that carp.

What else has been going on?

Work, of course. Did some carpentry, which was a nice change and got to crawl under the saunas, which wasn’t such a nice change. Seriously, this ol’ bod wasn’t made to crawl into small spaces and hose the dirt out. Added to being understaffed, our team leader got forced free time, leaving us with even less hands, which is completely and utterly ridiculous. Ah well…luckily it is not my company.

Added to all that jazz, I threw out my back a couple of weeks ago. Think it was a combination of work (doing windows…or more accurately the outside of a glass balustrade of about…oh, 140 feet. It was a beaut of a job) and a very cold night on a bad mattress. Seriously, I considered calling in sick a time or two, but managed to persevere. Couldn’t figure out what had caused until it started to get better and agreed to clean a glass wall of a cozy sixty feet. Yep. Felt that one for sure, and the coin finally dropped. I did speak with the in-house physical therapist and he gave me some helpful tips (nice kid), I good a new, proper mattress, which is making a lot of difference. Apparently I need a sturdy one for my back to align properly…those pesky loose limbs. I need to get back to the gym, darn it. Pounding a bag for a while should do a world of good in improving my mood, I think.

Well, that should do it for now. In regards to grandpa…in December Cousin Ed, Tenant, Big Brother and me will be getting together at the old castle with his ashes, and spread them out. I think he would have liked that. When he spoke of that place and how he grew up, it used to be with a certain fondness…and I wouldn’t know where else he would want us to take him. In the end, it will be more for us, our saying goodbye to him, more than anything anyway…I think. I’ll let you know how it goes.

R.I.P. Grandpa Jack

Grandpa at his best

No song of the day, today, I fear. Just a post to let y’all know that as of this morning Grandpa passed away at the hospice just short of eighty years in life. His heart didn’t manage to hold out, and so the body had to concede defeat regardless of the willing spirit.

Visited him yesterday, sat with him for a few hours, and managed to talk with him a little, despite his overwhelming exhaustion. Weird to see him that way, withered, old…and very fragile. To see that picture in your mind of him vitally climbing fences and trees no less than two years ago, only to have him practically disappear in a white sheeted hospital-like bed…I severely dislike that. It will be a long time before that last image of him will disappear and only the good will remain.

Anyway, he didn’t see very well, partly because of the exhaustion, but he knew I was there. We had a few moments together where we managed to talk. I had to ask him if he was scared, because grandpa was often plagued by fears, and he said that he was—just a little. More because of the unknown, the “what will happen next” than anything else, and because he always had this nasty belief that his karma was bad due to his past lives, explaining much of his difficult life…this is one thing I dislike about the whole karma belief; it makes no sense to suffer for something that you can’t remember, does it? I don’t believe that it works that way, makes no sense.

So, anyway, we talked quietly about our thoughts and beliefs, and how I thought that he did well, and did exactly what he was supposed to in life…especially when he admitted that he was afraid that he hadn’t always done his best. That made me sad. Had to assure him he did it right, and that he was great friend and grandpa, and that he would have to take my word for it if he didn’t think so himself.

“I’ll try,” were his words, after which he assured me that he’d always loved us even when he couldn’t say it…not a man of many words, grandpa.

After that, and holding hands for a bit, we returned to more mundane subjects before he practically ordered us to piss off, and claimed he needed his sleep.

He went to sleep just a little while later and didn’t wake up anymore, which is good, because he was so very tired of all the suffering. Frequent reports during the evening and morning, indicated that he was departing rapidly, his breathing becoming choppy. He didn’t suffer in the end, the nurses say, he just…stopped, and I gotta say that for him that is the best thing that could have happened.

So, how to wrap this up…rest in peace, Grandpa? No. I’m going to end it on: It was good knowing you!

What can you do?

Song of the day…well, there have been so many lately. Let’s pick the most prominent and say that it was Enrique Iglesias with his “Heartattack”. Cool song. Like it a lot…but then, I like most his stuff.

Right. Another blog to write, and very little exciting stuff to write about, I fear. Let’s get the nasty bit over and done with. Grandpa. Well, it isn’t good. Staying with Cousin Ed and Tenant is not really possible, he needs too much care, so the doctors are talking about a hospice where he can get the final help he needs in what they are calling the last days, weeks, months of his life. It is all very frustrating, and sad, but if we’re to believe them, his days are definitely numbered. There are moments that he can take it really well, resigned and relatively cheerful, but there are many bad moments which I hadn’t wished for him at all. Alas, that is not something that you can change, can you? The end nearing is always sad, and apparently not something that you can do anything about.

Personally I struggle a lot with: bringing him here was all for nothing, all that effort, all the worries, the risks…everything, it led to nothing, but then I see him at the hospital, talking with the doctors, the nurses, roommates, and realize that if he had ended up in hospital in Spain, this would have been an even bigger hell for him. At least here he can make himself understood, ask questions, get support from people who are familiar with this massive problem, and then I realize that it wasn’t for nothing. At least he has that independence of his mother language and the country that he still considers his own. Heck, I might even envy that feeling a little, because even though I don’t dislike living here, it doesn’t feel like my country at all…guess that having been away for more years than living here has had that effect.

Back to grandpa...I find it reassuring that the doctors want to know if he wants his life to be prolonged when he suffering becomes too great. The question startled him, he told me, but in the end it was kind that at least he has some say in the final decision if it ever comes to that.

But anyway, I would have liked to find a place for grandpa someplace nearby so I could assist whenever necessary, but he has opted to stay near to tenant and Cousin Ed. They did find a hospice there, where at least he’s allowed to take a dog, so that’s good. I arrived there today, and is feeling poorly. He asked me to look for some paintings and such to brighten up his room, so I’ll be going around looking for some other stuff as well.

Work: For me things thankfully quieted down a little. I’m now doing a steady 4 hours a day 6 times a week, with only occasionally some extra hours. In particular since I’m aiming to start writing more again, the regularity should help, and doing big brother’s hours…oh boy, that would not be good for me. He’s regularly working 9 to 11 hours and is of course bushed at the end of the day. That does mean that a lot of everything else comes to me, like cleaning our own pigsty, dinner, groceries, helping out landlady whenever necessary, and so on and on. It is tiring…exhausting, even, but then, what can you do. Life is a lot about the daily stuff, isn’t it?

Annoyingly, I was a little sick last week. I was sooooo cold during the night, and then when I woke up, my back was killing me. And when I say killing me, I really mean killing me. I think it had to do with some odd twisting and turning at work to wash the glass balustrade railing, combined with the cold, and it has been bugging me since. Almost back to normal now, but work was no walk in the park during the worst of it. Thankfully colleagues were very understanding and picked up some of the slack, meaning that work didn’t suffer from it.

Friday, I finally gave in, and did overtime, cleaning the pool, followed by an hour of swimming, and hanging in the whirlpools, the infrared light cell and against the stream yet, until everything was so sore and hot that I didn’t feel my back anymore. Still not completely recovered, but a lot better. Doing stretches, some mild exercises, but other than that…I’ll get there.

Been getting to know my colleagues better. The quirky artist who’s rather sweet and not at all normal…just like the rest of us. The young one who is always ready to claim that she rather not be there, and yet still is. On the one hand I feel like a teen when she’s around, shooting the breeze, talking about silly things, while on the other hand I feel very old when I see the lack of direction and goals in her life. Our team leader, who’s overworked, a tad nerdy and funny in a strange sort of way. The Spanish fashion designer, who makes us practice our Spanish and can swear like a sailor. All in all, they do keep work fun.

Tried a day in the restaurant. Stuff went wrong in the planning, but on the overall I didn’t do bad…it was just so incredibly boring standing here waiting for clients, making coffee, tea, smoothies and whatnot. I don’t think that waitressing is my thing, really. I was, and am, willing to do it, naturally, but it is not really drawing me, or challenging me. Anyway, I haven’t heard anything about it, so I guess they have different plans, which is okay by me. The money would have been nice, but I better use that extra time for writing, shouldn’t I?

Did finally decide to move from the attic to a room on the second floor. The nights are getting colder, and sleeping on the floor really wasn’t a good idea. I now have a proper bed (the mattress is not as good as I’d wished, but it will do for now) a desk to work on (this was important, because the attic was dark and I found myself reluctant to settle down behind the computer for that reason) and a proper chair that I found a thrift store for a reasonable price. Comfortable, is the word to describe it, and colorful…decided to go for color, if you’ll remember…or didn’t I mention that before? Hmmm. Whatever. I’ll try to post some pics the next time…way more light…and an actual view this time.

Big brother is now occupying the attic on his own. He doesn’t mind, and this way we won’t be annoyed with each other. Me with his messiness and lacking need for coziness, and him with me nagging him about that lack. Healthier this way. Hah. Also, a bit of space will be good for us…not that he’s there a lot, poor boy. So many hours of work. By the time he gets home he barely has enough energy to eat the food I cook, and stumble up the stairs to bed. But it is choice, still, luckily. The opportunity with our lack of qualifications, is definitely a good one.

Did some mild experimenting with cooking this past week. Made a very nice Fondue, which I used the next day as a base for a mushroom sauce over pasta the next day. Worked out really well, if I do admit so myself. There were more, but those I’ll have to add to the cooking blog, won’t I?

Actually did manage some writing since the last blog. Not a lot, mind you, but some. “Gun” is officially halfway there. Have been struggling with the escape scene…still…and finally discovered why I had trouble it: They can’t escape. Yeah, I know. Wonky, right? Well, sometimes it goes that way. You plan a scene, you struggle with it time and again, only to discover that the scene won’t let you steer it the way you would want to. And then it happens, something you hadn’t expected: The story takes a different turn…and there really isn’t anything you can do against it. Still. I like the hero…or anti-hero in this case. He’s cynical, sarcastic and selfish, which makes for a nice change.

Though I had fully decided not to work at the thrift store anymore, I got talked into it once again by my colleague there. She’s fun, so it wasn’t all that bad…in particular since work allows me to worry loss…something that has been bothering me a lot lately—worries. They’ve been crowding me quite a bit, making my stomach churn a lot, eating difficult, sleep fretful. Very annoying all of that. Can see it in losing weight, which again, isn’t the right way, but what can you do?

Haven’t been doing any photography lately. No time, no inclination, and the weather, well, it’s not been too bad, just fall is basically over now, so everything looks rather miserable.

A couple of nice walks these past few weeks. Went with landlady’s pups to the short dunes nearby, which was nice. The sun was out, and the dunes filled with people with dogs. I’m discovering that the Dutch really are dog people. The weather improves and they come out in hordes, gathering in the woods to socialize and have the dogs run free. It’s funny to see, really.

Found a rather nice antique chair at the local land fill, which is so very cute. It’s walnut wood, I believe, and the fabric is hideous, but with a little bit of work it’ll be gorgeous again. Am slowly starting to gather books again. Can’t do without them, I fear. They are so nice on a shelf, and so nice to read on every occasion. It’ll take a while before I got all my favorites back, if ever, but books are not something I can do without.

And that brings me to the end of today’s blog. Again, nothing really fun to share, is it? Am I boring you? Perhaps next time, I’ll make something up, add some flair. Should make it a lot more fun, eh?

Excuses

Song of the day: “Burn” by Ellie Goulding. Fun song, except when it starts repeating on the chorus, over and over and over again.

So, let’s get the bad news out of the day. Grandpa had his operation; it was tough for him, and he’s still at the hospital, battling the depression of a failed procedure. The clips that were placed on his valves are not functioning the way they had hoped, and once heart medication has stabilized, he can go home, leaving the doctors with little else to do for him. Grrrr. Poor guy. He’d put his hopes on the operation being successful, and now, according to the doctors, he’s going to have to continue muddling through.

He has finally agreed to start trying nutritional supplements, at least, so we’re going to see what effect that will have.

We have been visiting regularly, naturally, but it has been tough combining it with many hours at work…something we’ve been doing a lot, especially big brother, who has slowly been applying himself to assist our team leader in the more technical aspects of the job. This means that he is home very little, and does even less in chores than usual. I understand, naturally, but with my own hours, groceries and cleaning at our place, I’m pretty much bushed at the end of the day; this is not entirely beneficial to my writing, I’ll tell ya. Managed maybe a handful of pages since the last blog. But no matter. I’m going to keep trying…and added to that, I have an editor interested in reading it in the near future, which should get us some handy pointers, if nothing more.

I have decided to quit work at the thrift store, for the time being. First off, I don’t have the time for it. Secondly, store policy is changing, meaning that cozy is out, businesslike is in. Strange, considering at how well folks were responding to the cozy bit, but alas…not that it matters. In fact it is rather handy that this change has been announced, considering that it made quitting a lot easier. They don’t need me to do businesslike. My forte is definitely cozy. Hah. Anyway, my time there was fun, and I’ve got a nice friend from it, so…we’ll see what’s next.

In accordance to the agreement made with landlady, I accompanied her to a couple of markets. The latest having been a two day stint at a covered complex behind Utrecht. The first day was friggin’ boring, I tell ya, but at least our sales were relatively high. The second day, during which we took Gloria (crossbreed 7 month old dog that she’s looking to place in a new home) along as company and advertising. Made the day a lot more pleasurable, I’ll admit, considering she drew loads of customers and dog lovers who came in for a chat. All together we made the same amount this weekend, as we did the last time in one day, but still, it paid for gas, the stand and some extra, allowing land lady to pay her bills as well.

Spent my last free day, a couple of weeks ago, baking bread, cooking dinner, having a good workout session a the local gym (finally signed up) and snoozing on the couch (kept dropping off, I tell ya) until the day slipped by quick as you please. Annoying how that works, right? What can I say, I’m tired at a lot these days. Probably still getting used to it all.

Fall has really started here. Loads of yellow and red trees all around, but thankfully the trees are still full. It’s going to be a depressing state once the leaves are all gone. I gotta say that one of things I like in this country is that the ground is basically flat everywhere, allowing for easy biking and walking whenever the heck you please and weather allows. Another thing that is nice, at our present location pretty anything necessary is really close. We’ve got supermarkets, pharmacies, and most importantly public transportation basically at the door. That is really handy, in particular since recently we’re using it to get home from work. Takes about twenty minutes, which beats biking in the rain…like this morning. Our ride got stuck in traffic 40 minutes out, so we had to grab the bikes and rush to arrive four minutes before starting time, Yay!

A strange experience, working for a big company this way, but luckily it is accepted that I really don’t like doing cleaning more than four hours a day. Instead I’m put on all sort of projects like hanging mirrors, flat screens and clothes hooks throughout the facility, also soap and towel dispensers, designing and building wooden electrical boxes, installing outside lighting, and so on and on. The diversity keeps it interesting, I’ll admit.

Am slowly starting to get to know more of our colleagues, but I still think that it will take time until we know them all. There are more than seventy of them after all.

What else…well, very little. I am working on putting together some furniture. Found a gorgeous classic chair at the local landfill which I’m going to restore for my future room. It’s from sort of nutty wood, but some idiot painted it black…which is something I’m going to correct asap…might take a while with the schedule these days, but I can hope, right?

Further…the attic is a friggin’ mess. I really need to do something about that. It’s driving me bonkers to trip over shoes and clothes all the time. But like so many things, that will have to come some day soon. At the moment I just don’t have the time nor the energy…maybe that will change once we’ve got the routine settled, and managed to go to the gym more than a measly once a week. Grrr.

Well, that’s all she wrote…for now anyway. I didn’t keep to my promise of writing more often, did I. All I can say as an explanation (I don’t mean it as an excuse mind you, just fact) life, at the moment, is an emotional roller coaster, and so many things that I took for granted are changing, or falling away that I find it difficult to find the peace within myself to write everything down on the blog, the way I’m supposed to. There are things that I miss, and things that I don’t miss at all over there in Spain. Over here there are things that I like and that I don’t like, but that is life, I suppose. However good a place this is for now as we lick our wounds and try to figure out what to do with our future, I know more certain than ever that this here isn’t enough either. Someday I want to end up in the States, and that is just plain fact. How I’m going to manage it…I don’t know yet. It doesn’t matter, it is going to be a question someday somehow, is all.

As before, I will try to do better in the future, but if I don’t I hope you’ll forgive me.