Again, again, and again. *sigh*

Song of the day: “1,000 ships” by Rachel Platten. An incredibly cute song, though what it does in my head these past couple of days, I don’t know.

So it has been a turbulent couple of weeks again, but then, what did you expect, right? This is Samaya Young’s world and it is becoming clear to me that I (we) can’t do anything the normal way, or the easy way. Sure, we get lots of accusations about how easy things are for us, but just because we make it look that way, I can’t really say that this path we’re on is even remotely easy. For me, the past few years have been (or at least appear to be) a chain-link of disasters, but I have to say that by now I am slowly, reluctantly getting used to it. And I’m getting stronger from it (once I get past the feeling sorry for myself bit) in a way. I know now that I should travel light, be ready to go at any minute and not care that much about the nest. Neat and comfortable is good enough for now. The rest will have to come later.

I can hear you think, dear Gawd, what happened now? Well, we moved, again, and again. Nothing new there, right? You’ve read me doing that plenty of times (in Spain, to England, back to Spain, and then the Netherlands) and this is just another one of those things.

Turns out that Land Lady had a thing for big Brother, which on itself is not a major crime. I mean, I’m his sister, but I can admit that he’s not bad looking, and that if you can get past his annoying habits, he would be attractive for the opposite sex. Still, I am his sister, so on the most part I don’t actually think about shaite like that. Hah. But as I was saying, having a thing for him is not a crime, it is just that it made the situation somewhat uncomfortable for all parties involved, in particular since some seemed to think that I was the obstacle in this “budding romance”. Some folks clearly don’t know big Brother all that well, but then, he is the silent type with others, so maybe that is something he should work on.

Then there was some serious nastiness that got turned back (all reasonable-like) later on, after a night at a hotel and after which we had enough of the mud-throwing, the discomforts and the uncertainty of not knowing if we could go home from one day to the next, so we decided to break free and agree once and for all to leave our temporary resident and find something else.

The latter, it turns out, is not all that easy. There is a serious shortage of habitats in the Netherlands, and unless you can afford to lose an arm and a leg (which we can’t) it really is a matter of patience. Lots of patience and in most cases a lot of luck. Right now (a day after our decision) we are staying at a recreational park with everything for easy living included (yes, it costs an arm and a leg, but at the moment it is the most affordable one) about 15 minutes away from work. The latter, we have decided, being the most important thing at this time. With all the overtime we’re doing, we might actually survive this latest fiasco without ending up on the streets. Hah. Always plenty to do at the sauna, thankfully.

Anyways. We did find a place in the park, they had one empty that was semi-affordable once they gave us a discount (I think they felt sorry for us) for the price of a smaller apartment that didn’t become available until the 11^th. It meant having to move again, but at this point I don’t think we can afford to be picky. We got the basics to the cabin, worked out asses off at work whenever possible, and spent two afternoons hauling stuff from our temporary residence, which saddened and shocked me at the same time. Clearly we’ve gathered way too much stuff for our present life-style in only seven months, so basically it means that we have to get rid of at least 50 percent, which depresses me, and reminds me of that awful time in Spain. We had a long talk, though, which is good. We’re going to aim for one trailer with stuff, the rest will just have to go. Right now we have a storage in the city that puts a drain on our funds, sure, but will give us a month to sort through it and downsize until it is all manageable. Not looking forward to that, but it can’t be helped.

Be that as it may, we did well loading everything up. Everything small got tossed and hauled away the first day, all the big stuff the next, after which we said our goodbyes and said thank you for the first 6 months (we all agreed that those were nice enough to forget about the last one) and left.

Thankfully a colleague is letting us store some of our bigger furniture, plus fridge and washing machine at his place, giving us some leeway in deciding what to do. Since then we have signed up with all sort of departments, real estate and whatnot, so now it is a question of waiting and seeing what will come from that.

Okay, so that was the latest on our living arrangements. On to other stuff.

Visited with our dad again, which was a nice afternoon of food, talk and basically catching up. There were even moments where I could forget the stupid stuff going on. Hah. Turns out our youngest brother (father's second marriage) is curious about us, so I gave my blog info in case he wants to check out what his big brother and sister have been doing over the years (I know, I lie awake about that every now and then, wondering if it is a good idea to let him read all this shaite, but then I realize he'll find out one way or other anyway, so we might as well get that bit over with. Hah) so if you're reading this, littlest brother (6' 5" tall, I heard, hehe) HIYA! Looking forward to meeting you some day.

Not a lot of workouts lately, but a a couple since the last blog...a blessing, that. Nothing like sweating your behind off, and punching a bag for half an hour to get rid of your frustrations.

 

Added to that, due to big Brother’s B-Day at the end of the year, our colleagues took us out to a pool bar in the city, were we spent a couple of hours drinking beer and playing pool. Been years since we did that, but on the overall we were all (six in total) well matched. Was a fun evening with lots of laughter, which was a great way to unwind, despite the fact that I couldn’t drink because I was doing the driving.

Then there was the company party just a few days ago, which was semi-obligatory. Was weird being there, seeing everyone you work with (not our team. Strangely enough cleaners usually manage to get out from under this sort of thing, hah) out of uniform, trying to make casual conversation rather than talk shop. Still, it was good we went there. I had some wine (big brother was driving this time round), everyone had champagne to toast the new year and the goodbye to one of our colleagues (was also a goodbye party) and for the rest we sat or stood around chatting. A weird experience, this, I would have thought an office party to be more glamorous, but it wasn’t. It was basically happy hour. Hah.

Other than that, well, I haven’t done any writing (hoping to do a bit of that today). Life too busy with all the running around. But I just spent the morning organizing our stuff in the new place (you can walk around now without tripping over a suitcase or a bag). Got big Brother’s stuff neatly by the bed in the living room, while mine are in the bed room, so everything is set. Now, if only I can get some peace and quiet in my head…that will be the day.

Well, I’m going to leave it at this, if y’all don’t mind. I’ll try to keep you posted. Gotta go.

Mobile!!!!!

Song of the day: “Lush Life” by Zara Larson. Well, something new, at least, and peppy. I like it, and for the moment don’t mind having it stuck in my head from time to time. Hah.

So, here we are, much too late, once again, getting sucked into daily life, leaving very little time to stuff like blogging, and such. Still, I try regardless. I do love to blog, and usually, with every day that passes, I will be in bed late at night, thinking: shaite, I forgot my blog again. Or I will try to write it, and sit at the table and find myself dropping off in the middle of a sentence because I’m just that tired. Ah well…we do what we can, don’t we?

What’s been happening. Quite a bit, in fact. Much of it involving work, naturally. Making long days at the moment, which is good, considering big brother and I had to fold to one of our resolutions over here and get a car. Yep. We are once again mobile. It was inevitable. Arranging for transportation every time, public transportation being on the costly side, in particular if there are two people traveling. One would be doable, two, definitely makes a car viable. Anyway. It’s a second hand one, of course, and we had to do loads of research (everyone thought they needed to get involved, so that was kinda weird) but we did find one that we could afford and that seems to be functioning properly. Luckily cars are a little cheaper here to procure, making it all possible. I gotta say that it is a relief no longer needing to borrow one, or to have to go bonkers wondering how you’re going to arrange this or that.

I applied for another job. This one for cooking. Had to wait until we had a car for it, but it was still there, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed. It doesn’t mean I’m quitting this one, just that I want to add something fun to it. It involves cooking at an art gallery once a month. A 3 course meal, fully vegetarian dishes, which should be a nice challenge, if they want me.

Had our second meal with our father and his wife. A very cozy afternoon that turned into evening before we got home, pretty much running on fumes. Had a wonderful lunch, which they had prepared. Talked about the past some, looked at pictures from relatives and our youngest half-brother in various stages of his life. Vacation photos etc. Also, we went for a walk around the neighborhood, which was quiet and cozy. They knew most people, if not by name then by face, and we met with a couple of people from our past that we had just talked about last month or so, because we wondered what had become of them. They used to live in the same place our father did, and on the weekends we were there, we’d spend many afternoons at their place with their kids. Her, I didn’t recognize except for her short stature, but him, I immediately recognized, due to his height and curly hair. She recognized us, I think, but he didn’t, but they seemed happy to see us again after all these years. What has it been? 29 years? Weird, I know.

Anyway, we’ll be seeing them (father and stepmother) again in the new year. I was a lot less edgy this time around, which is reassuring.  The silences weren’t uncomfortable so how it’ll go further…I’ll keep you posted.

Went to visit tenant and Cousin Ed last week. Not a long visit. It was more of a spur of the moment thing because we were testing out the car, and figured we might as well pop over. Tenant was really happy to see us, so I was glad we bothered. She was rather sad about grandpa still, but she’s handling it, and that’s a relief.

Been doing a weekly day at the charity shop. More because my friend there keeps asking, and I find it hard to say no, rather than really an inclination. But, anyways, keeping busy is still a priority for me, so I’ll take it.

Lotsa extra hours at the sauna. No choice really. The building is new and there are so many problems that still need to be ironed out. I build a couple of carrier carts for the whirlpool covers, as requested, because those dratted things are heavy and some folks just can’t carry them. At the moment I’m painting a cabin that was procured for construction, which we’ll probably end up doing as well. Never a shortage of plans going on there, meaning there is always enough to do.

Cooking has been difficult lately. What with work, finding a car, visiting tenant etc. there just wasn’t a lot of time. Same goes for writing, despite the fact that I did manage to write a bit in the Banshee story last week. It’s sporadic at best.

I am liking my room, which is really comfortable now. Got quite a bit of furniture gathered already for when the time comes for us to move to a different place. It is not yet, but it will be soon. We’re ready for that independence, want it in fact. Our land lady is nice and everything, but our own place will give us more freedom for sure. So if the opportunity arrives (we signed up with a local company that works with anti-squatters, and we’re now a member due to one of our colleagues who sponsored us) we’ll see about achieving that particular goal. It should be marvelous having our own place.

Big brother’s B-Day is coming up (as is mine, for that matter) and our colleagues at work are thinking of doing something for it. First off he’s going to get presents, which makes him groan, and secondly, LL (the one he works with most) has talked him into going out on the town on the night in question. Should be interesting, especially since our other colleagues are going to go along. Hah. Nice bunch, still, and finally a newbie to help out. Very necessary, since we’ve been running ragged.

Christmas will be busy. Yeah, I know, weird right. We say we don’t do Christmas and get invited to two occasions that we can’t say no to. First one is at tenant’s of course. Second one is with our colleague, with both of them similar dinner plans. Hah.

Well, it’s late and tomorrow is a working day, so I’m going to leave it at this. I’ll be back.

Here are some pics.

 

One part of the house.

 Another

The woods

The heath nearby

Turmoil...or just whiny?

Song of the day: “1,000 ships” by Rachel Platten. Lovely song, and I often have it tumbling through my brain over past few weeks.

Life is in somewhat of a turmoil again. Nothing bad…except for grandpa passing on, of course. That goes without saying.  There are still quite a few moments that we get that…oh, right, he’s gone, and we won’t be doing that together again, but other than that, we’re managing to find our peace with this particular issue. But turmoil regardless.

I don’t know what my problem is lately, but I find that my nerve endings are way too raw. Everything hits just a little too deep, which is affecting the quality of life as it is quite a bit. I don’t know what to do about it, really. Rationally, I realize that the past few years have been…difficult, and that that is bound to leave a mark, ripping all the emotional nerves to shreds (too much change, too much worries, too much everything), and all that. But there is this part of me that wants to hide away from all that and be in a world that doesn’t disturb my balance, if you get my meaning. Not too much pressure. Not too much…anything. Just time to…breathe. (This is tired, night time me, talking, by the way. I feel much better in the mornings.)

I know that it (life without unbalancing events) isn’t really possible, because no matter how hard you wish it, you can’t really live in a bubble of emotionless equilibrium. Life is messy with twists and turns you don’t see coming, as it throws you a neck breaking curve every now and then. It is just that lately there have been so many nasty curves; it makes me weary of what will happen next, which I dislike.

Normally, I prefer to look at life positively, see it as an adventure, but the last few years…I don’t know. There are moments that I can be perfectly content. Especially at work, or when, on rare occasions, I manage to do some writing. Those are the times when my thoughts can leave me the f**k alone. On other moments, luckily much rarer now, my thoughts are my biggest enemy. But then…not much you can do about that except shoulder on and handle “life” as best you can, right?

So, what’s the latest? A couple of weeks ago I gave up on big brother coming up scratch about calling our father, and did the honors myself. Got his answering machine, of course. Have I got splendid timing, or what? Finally I get up the nerve, and there I am listening to an answering machine. And I suck at answering machines. I stumbled my way through a message and then hung up, promising myself I would try a couple of times more and then stop beating a dead horse. Felt way too much like Mini Me, way back when, trying to get through to daddy. Anyway, on the following Monday the phone was picked up and I heard a familiar voice. It was a little scratchier than I remembered, but also the same. Very strange.

We were both a little awkward, I think, but we did manage to talk a little, and agreed to meet after a couple of weeks due to a joint logistics problem with work. Rather than sag back in old patterns of all of us going out to eat and talk, I hopped right in and suggested our father and his wife come to eat at our place, considering Land Lady had kindly offered that we could have dinner guests in the main room if we wanted. Sorta doing it on “my turf”, you know. Rather than be insecure Mini Me. Felt better, anyway.

You’d have thought I’d have been stressed out about that, but oddly enough I wasn’t. Not really. I’ve done enough cooking for some pretty difficult people (not saying that he’s difficult, just…well, you know) not to feel stressed about my cooking. In fact, cooking always calms me. I’m creating and that is always a good feeling…not to mention that I don’t have a lot of time to worry while cooking. Hah.

For myself, I felt I had broken through an unhealthy pattern, so I could just let it go, and wait for the day to arrive.

Spent the day before in the kitchen, of course. Sundays are working days for me, and to cook everything after that, felt like a bit too much of a chore. So instead, I spent my second free day in the kitchen, creating. Made a rather nice creamy mushroom pie. Had big brother pick that one. I was doubting about making a leek quiche instead, but big brother preferred mushroom. Mushroom it was. Added to that, I prepped a buckwheat rainbow salad (all colors veggies and boiled buckwheat) with a yogurt dressing. A rice feast with all colored peppers, eggs and cheese as a main dish, followed by a winter pudding that was cream and gentle on the tongue. Nothing too fierce, but round in taste, I thought. A couple of these dishes should end up on the cooking blog for sure. I just need to find the time to jot them down…I know, bad Sammie for not doing that more often. I try. I beg points for that, at least. Hah.

Anyway, had everything prepped and ready except for the main dish that still had to go in the oven after cleaning up and work. Did a quick clean of the house as well. Personally, I can live with spiderwebs in the corners, but one does like to give a good first impression. *chortle* Had Land Lady a little exasperated. For some reason she thought I was stressing about the whole thing, but I wasn’t really. I was just in the zone, if you know what I mean. The way I figure, whenever I get the itch the clean (once in a blue moon) more than just the basics that are necessary for hygienic purposes, we might as well make use of it. Besides, I’m a professional cleaner these days. I’ve got a rep to uphold. Hah.

Work was…interesting that morning. I did the usual running around because we are still understaffed, had to go in conference with big brother to deal with a technical problem at the company, and did the water testing, as agreed, before going back home where I wanted to take a quick shower. The weather was horrid. The cold is coming in. Storms and last night we had an actual freeze. I was friggin’ freezing this morning…and that while I’d only slept 2 hours…okay, now I hear you wondering: Why did she only sleep two hours last night.

Yep. The DINNER: Prepped everything, including setting the table, and then sat down for some relaxed reading. The afternoon passed within no time, and suddenly the doorbell rang. While big brother put the dogs in the kitchen, I went to open the door and was momentarily startled. Seriously, I was standing there, looking at this older man (I don’t know why, but in my mind he was of course much younger) and my first (somewhat sad) thought was: oh my, we’re all getting old. A sad realization, that, in particular since I’m not all that old yet. Getting there, but not yet.

So, yeah. I have another twenty something half brother, who is apparently curious about us. I can admit to the feeling being likewise, but then, I’ve always been incurably curious. Littlest brother apparently cooks, too. Italian: Smart kid. And he’s living (you’re not going to believe this…it is sooooo mean. Hah) in the States. Yep. This is me, being jealous of a 23 year old. Who’d have thought it, right? Don’t get me wrong, he can keep the 23, gawd knows I was a complete and utter mess at that age, and I’ll skip that part, thanks. We will have an excellent excuse to go visit some day, though. Poor kid; getting a visit of his old brother and sister. Hah.

Ah well, back to reality. Had planned on a dinner of a couple of hours, maybe three at most, but that was stretching it because I feared there would quite a few uncomfortable silences…there were a few, naturally, but we ended up talking and eating until eleven in the evening, with none of us the wiser until it was really late. He changed some, I think. Has less barriers thrown up, I think. And there was more affection in his gaze then I used see. Perhaps I wasn’t perceptive at that time (possible, was very young) or he has stopped hiding it under the corporate varnish. A working day was to follow, so we said a hasty goodbye, waved the couple out and started getting ready for bed. A strange, almost surreal evening, from my perspective. Am not entirely sure what to think of it. I don’t want to make something big of it, if it isn’t that, but I am trying to look at it with a somewhat clinical detachment, trying to figure out how I tick inside, if you know what I mean, but it is...I don’t know what to call it.

I find it scary, I’ll admit.  Scary what it does to parts of the old me. Something like this used to mean a lot to me, and there is that part of Mini Me that still feels that way. But there is also a tougher shell of me. A part that looks at it from all those pesky angles of adulthood, weighing out the risks, thinking of the statistics, remembering events from the past, examining them to death in a way that won’t have any use at this late date until I feel…mangled again. Strange huh, how events, words, actions from the past can affect you in such a profound way. I have to say that it is a very unpleasant experience. And I do admit that in this, I wish I were more like Big Brother, who can be wonderfully stoic in times when I feel like life in general is completely topsy turvy. It makes me realize that our different approaches to life are on the most part complementary. Where I overthink and over-invest myself in things and people, he has a tendency to withdraw into himself until he’s got nothing to care about and is all alone…which is not something I wish for him. In that regard we still need each other, just like when we were little kids. Hah.

Aaaaargh.

You see what I mean about overthinking things? Let’s just say that it is starting to become clear to me that for now I need to keep life uncomplicated, maintain as little baggage as possible, and just enjoy things a bit, including this “getting to know each other again”  stage (am incredibly curious about the extended family. Can you imagine the stories, all those events of all those different lives. It would be fascinating), and have a little faith that this latest adventure might not be the disaster I sometimes fear it will be.

Besides my usual mantra of: I won’t care about things that I can’t change, I’m repeating these for now: I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t NEED to keep it all together even when I feel I’m falling apart. I don’t have to get it right in one go. I can make mistakes (and I WILL, just for the heck of it, so there!) and it won’t be the end of the world. I am allowed to just be me. I don’t need to be ANYTHING but ME…that’s what I’m telling myself anyway. Just give me a little time to actually believe it *wink* I’ll get there.

But enough soul searching. There is such a thing as doing too much of that carp.

What else has been going on?

Work, of course. Did some carpentry, which was a nice change and got to crawl under the saunas, which wasn’t such a nice change. Seriously, this ol’ bod wasn’t made to crawl into small spaces and hose the dirt out. Added to being understaffed, our team leader got forced free time, leaving us with even less hands, which is completely and utterly ridiculous. Ah well…luckily it is not my company.

Added to all that jazz, I threw out my back a couple of weeks ago. Think it was a combination of work (doing windows…or more accurately the outside of a glass balustrade of about…oh, 140 feet. It was a beaut of a job) and a very cold night on a bad mattress. Seriously, I considered calling in sick a time or two, but managed to persevere. Couldn’t figure out what had caused until it started to get better and agreed to clean a glass wall of a cozy sixty feet. Yep. Felt that one for sure, and the coin finally dropped. I did speak with the in-house physical therapist and he gave me some helpful tips (nice kid), I good a new, proper mattress, which is making a lot of difference. Apparently I need a sturdy one for my back to align properly…those pesky loose limbs. I need to get back to the gym, darn it. Pounding a bag for a while should do a world of good in improving my mood, I think.

Well, that should do it for now. In regards to grandpa…in December Cousin Ed, Tenant, Big Brother and me will be getting together at the old castle with his ashes, and spread them out. I think he would have liked that. When he spoke of that place and how he grew up, it used to be with a certain fondness…and I wouldn’t know where else he would want us to take him. In the end, it will be more for us, our saying goodbye to him, more than anything anyway…I think. I’ll let you know how it goes.

R.I.P. Grandpa Jack

Grandpa at his best

No song of the day, today, I fear. Just a post to let y’all know that as of this morning Grandpa passed away at the hospice just short of eighty years in life. His heart didn’t manage to hold out, and so the body had to concede defeat regardless of the willing spirit.

Visited him yesterday, sat with him for a few hours, and managed to talk with him a little, despite his overwhelming exhaustion. Weird to see him that way, withered, old…and very fragile. To see that picture in your mind of him vitally climbing fences and trees no less than two years ago, only to have him practically disappear in a white sheeted hospital-like bed…I severely dislike that. It will be a long time before that last image of him will disappear and only the good will remain.

Anyway, he didn’t see very well, partly because of the exhaustion, but he knew I was there. We had a few moments together where we managed to talk. I had to ask him if he was scared, because grandpa was often plagued by fears, and he said that he was—just a little. More because of the unknown, the “what will happen next” than anything else, and because he always had this nasty belief that his karma was bad due to his past lives, explaining much of his difficult life…this is one thing I dislike about the whole karma belief; it makes no sense to suffer for something that you can’t remember, does it? I don’t believe that it works that way, makes no sense.

So, anyway, we talked quietly about our thoughts and beliefs, and how I thought that he did well, and did exactly what he was supposed to in life…especially when he admitted that he was afraid that he hadn’t always done his best. That made me sad. Had to assure him he did it right, and that he was great friend and grandpa, and that he would have to take my word for it if he didn’t think so himself.

“I’ll try,” were his words, after which he assured me that he’d always loved us even when he couldn’t say it…not a man of many words, grandpa.

After that, and holding hands for a bit, we returned to more mundane subjects before he practically ordered us to piss off, and claimed he needed his sleep.

He went to sleep just a little while later and didn’t wake up anymore, which is good, because he was so very tired of all the suffering. Frequent reports during the evening and morning, indicated that he was departing rapidly, his breathing becoming choppy. He didn’t suffer in the end, the nurses say, he just…stopped, and I gotta say that for him that is the best thing that could have happened.

So, how to wrap this up…rest in peace, Grandpa? No. I’m going to end it on: It was good knowing you!